There's STILL a Placenta in my Fridge!?!

Me: "Dearest?"
Her: "Yes, shnookums?"
"What's this red bio-hazard bag in the freezer?"

Complimentary Ringtones

I saw a web banner, and immediately imagined my own cell phone:

"Hey, gorgeous."
"You are so funny."
"Have you been working out?"

I'd wish more people would call me.

I'm Not Famous Yet

I'm stealing this idea from another blogger who did it a while back, but I thought it was an interesting experiment. So many people have real substance or insight to their writings, whereas my rambling are ... well, the inanity makes me giggle, so that's why I jot it all down. So, it's interesting to see how people accidentally fall into this backwoods mire of the blogoshpere (cue up the Dueling Banjos).

"illusion teatime" - HEY! I'm Google's first hit! *wipes a tear* I realize now that it's because I botched up the Douglas Adams quote. Hooray for me.

"portuganlish" - I'm the only Google hit. Isn't there some sort of contest along those lines? I win! Someone give me a handful of jellybeans.

"sloppy jimbo" - It's weird that I come in above any Simpsons references. Weirder still is the first hit; urbandictionary.com. Quoth the definition: 'The act in which u give a handjob with sloppy joe mix as a lube. As in: Dude Sally gave me a sloppy jimbo lastnight.' (sic) End quote. Words fail me.

"tapping the fishbowl" - probably not what the poor guy was expecting.

And many others that are more or less too boring to mention.

Swim Class

"Ok, who can tell me some good pool rules?"
Not-my-kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "No running."
"Very good. Any others?"
Another not-my-kid raises her hand enthusiastically: "No rough-housing."
"Excellent. Anyone else?"
My kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "I don't have any."
"Oookay. Anyone else?"
Also my kid: "But I did bring goggles!"

Baby Steps

Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Hmm...let's review the options.
Thumb in mouth....

Babies and Stooges, funny in about the same way.

I'm Back, Baby!

I'll ease back into it slowly. Funny quotes that I've come across over the past couple years that I've taken the time to write down:

"Second highest first half revenue for the first time ever!" - on a promotional banner, proudly hanging over the entrance to my work.

"If we can't get this working, we'll be flopping around like a dead fish."
"Dead fish don't flop." - heard in the lab.

"Is [Option A] better than [Option B]?"
"It's hard to say. I'd call it a throw up." - seen in online chat.

"Don't be so hippocratic." - said by some politico blowhard, deriding someone he thought was dumber than him. I think this proved him wrong.

"I got it too. This must be going ever were." - who says engineers aren't good writers? (Some of us are.)

"Please request assistance when pertaining to fish." - just...odd.

"Set goals. You need to be aspirating." - motivational speech. I was motivated to breathe heavier.