Another Lecture

"Daddy, see how this pattern is black with red?"
"Sure."
"It's like Darth Maul."
"Huh.  Okay."
"Daddy, he's a bad guy in Star Wars."
"Huh.  Okay."

How Many Dads Must Ask This Question?

"Whose poop is this?"

Playing One Against the Other...Badly

"Mommy, can I have hot chocolate? Daddy said no."

Fun With Calis

Step 1: Make an offhanded mention of how LA and the Bay are essentially the same place.

Step 2: Enjoy the fireworks.

Step 3: Profit!

Don't Put That There

I confused a neti pot with a diva cup in casual conversation today.

Dissn' Dat

"I snoozed and losed."

"Are you sure that's not 'snost and lost'?"

Fun With Initials

C J

C J P P

P P, J, P P

Heh, sorry, son.

Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Satisfied

Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."

"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."

"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"

And she was piii-issed.

Close to What?

The Girl forgot to put her little seat on the toilet, and I watched her fall.

...all the way in.

I pulled her out by her ankles.

"Whoa," said she, giggling. "That was close."

Luv My Croutons

The adults at the table have received their salads.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I have some of your croutons?"

"No, you may not. Ask your father."

Crap.

"Daddy?"

"Yesss...?"

"May I have some of Mommy's croutons?"

"Yes, you may. Thank you for asking so politely."

Yay!

This is How I Imagine It

"Come here and feel the baby kick."

I felt something small roll across my palm. "Eww, he licked me."

Road Trip 2010

3675 miles.

RI, MA, NH, VT, ME, CT, NY, NJ, PA, DE, MD, VA, WV, KY, IN, IL, MO, OK, TX, NM.

With sightseeing stops in:

RI: Ocean Drive Mansions

Boston: USS Constitution, Shopping

Braintree, MA: Shopping -- Lego Store!

Portsmouth, NH: USS Albacore, Shopping, Tugboat Sightseeing

Maine: LL Bean, Eartha, Kittery Outlets

NYC: Empire State Building, 5th Avenue, Rockefeller Center

Washington, DC: Air & Space Museum, White House, Landmarks

Philly: Cheesesteak (meh)

Louisville, KY: Spaghetti Factory

St. Louis: Gateway Arch

Cheeky

"Are you excited to ride the train to New York?"

"Thomas!"

"Uh, no."

"Percy!"

"No, a different kind."

"Diesel?"

Reproducing Like (As?) Rabbits, or: Fudds Like Us

"Is the baby in Mommy's tummy a boy or a girl?"

"It's a bunny wabbit!"

She sticks out her tummy. "Mine's a duck."

MTV's '2.5 and Pregnant'

"Daddy, the baby in my tummy wants ice cream."

I look pointedly at The Wife. "She gets this from you."

Lessons From Big Bro

"Butt ass tushie."

"No, just tushie."

"Butt ass tushie!"

I Heard This Second Hand

"Mommy, where's my freakin' Daddy?"

Dear Santa:

"Daddy, I need foobies."

"Foobies?"
"And a bra."

Perception

Me, to the Girl: "Stop whining at me!"

The Wife: "You need to talk to her like she's a woman."

"I am."

My Stupid Small-Town Upbringing

Her: "Remember in high school when all the girls would dye their pubes, like, bright pink or red and then run around showing everybody?"

"No, I do not."

What's In Your "Head"?

She's listening to Miser's Zombie:

"We should add this to our Angry Sex mix."

You Heard Me

"How's your wife doing?"

"She pees and cries a lot. That's how she is."

Treasure!

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I can't find kitty, but I did find barf."

What Were We Talking About, Again?

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I don't like that thing in your pants."

Amateur Gardening Hour

"Those weeds look just like our garden."

Not Getting One

Another rehearsal in her room (...or, Why the Baby Monitor Amuses Us So).

"I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"Daddeee, I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"I...don't have a t.v. in MY room."

Rehearsal

Heard over the baby monitor (she thought she was alone):

"Whatever."

"What-ever."

"WhatEVER."

"What.Ever."

"What?Ever!"

Facebook Ditty

I received a Facebook entreat

From someone I hardly did meet

I confirmed the profile

And sat with a smile

For I knew I was in for a treat

His avatar started the fun

An image to show everyone

"What pose should I strike

To elicit a 'Like'?"

So he's photographed holding a gun

Friends number in the hundreds or more

Under 'Sex' it simply reads: 'Sure'

Education's left blank

Religion's appallingly frank

And I daren't repeat 'Looking For'

"My past is perhaps slightly checkered

But I think it's all good with my Shepherd

I have no life plan

Though high school was grand

Facebook didn't leave room for arrest record"

He's been spreading his seed all around

Unclothed brats roving all over town

I wanted to write

To his dear latest wife

"Would it make sense to put the dick down?"

Ignoring all social taboos

Espousing idealistic views

"Every one of you guys

Lean too far to one side"

We know where he gets his political news

He didn't know that words juxtaposed

Can provide us with humorous prose

Well I felt really bad

When he said he Teabagged

So I suggested he breathe through his nose

"My country's going up into flames

With tolerance mostly to blame"

His words are so vile

And writing infantile

That everything's misspelled but his name

Homophones: 'their' is not what he meant

Colloquial: 'wanna' is just too strident

Punctuation is for the bees

Subject and verb don't agree

Leaving plenty of room for improvement

His wall continues the trend

Attacks and snide comments without end

You may 'Like' or 'Ignore'

But I had opened the door

I now shut with one click: 'Unfriend'

Daddy, I Don't Eat Cheerios

"Yippee! My bran!"

20% Funnier

"Oh, who do we have here?"

"It's baby."
"Yeah? Baby who? Baby Pony?"

"No. Baby...Undee-pants! Ha-ha-ha!"

Talkin' Smack

Sitting on a swing set with The Girl in my lap. Another girl, four-ish, eyeing me suspiciously, head tilted to one side, sits on the swing next to us.

"You're not going very high."

"Yeah."

The other girl's head cocks to the other side.

"You should pump your legs like a big girl to go faster."

"Thank you."

Subliminal Nerd

The perfect domestic scene: The Wife, in the kitchen, making French Toast and humming...the Imperial March.

Mad About the Boy

She finally found the confidence to use The Boy's name in everyday conversation. And it is a great, all-purpose word for accusations of all sorts.

She storms in, points through the walls at the boy, and gives me an exasperated: "Gwaam!"

"What's the problem?"

"Gwaam!"

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

No Time to Say Hello, Goodbye. I'm Late!

National Masturbation Month already started! And here I am working in the yard on a Saturday. Pshaw!

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four

"This shit's low-fat!"

"Eh?"

"I thought it was non-fat!"

Evidence of Onesies

The Girl's first self potty use.

The Wife: "There's pee in the baby potty!"

Me: "Cool."

"Do you think it's hers?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it's The Boy messing with us. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it hit the target."

Not Much Notice

"Hey, does the cat seem a bit out of sorts to you?"

RIP Tinker-Belle, ~11/2001 - 4/12/2010

Mmm, Number Two

In an effort to keep them away from the children, we've (for some reason I don't know) been keeping the Easter Peeps, M&Ms, and Jelly Bellys next to the master toilet.

Dropping the kids off at the pool has never been such a treat.

I Call Shenanigans

She's standing in her crib, full-length footie jammies around her ankles, holding her diaper proudly.

"Why did you take your diaper off?"

Innocently: "[It] fall down."

Porking Pens, Banging Bics, Ultra-Fine Flings, Writing Utensils Gone Wild

The secret to pen reproduction:

I can never, ever find a pen when I need one in the moment.

If, however, I remove a pen from atop my keyboard -- always in that empty space between the function keys and the number row -- and set it directly next to the keyboard, an entirely new pen will magically appear in the very same spot, the very next day, only to be set next to its friend next to my keyboard.

There are, at this very moment right now synchronize-your-watches-aaand-mark, exactly six writing utensils next to my keyboard. One black, one red, one orange Crayola washable, and three pencils.

Women!

Whoopie, Gifts!

"I'm really sick, but we can have birthday while-I-lay-there sex."

It's Virtual

The little one discovered my Dragon Age dog. That was the most exciting thing to happen all week. She's just a little obsessed with them, for some reason.

"Dog! Haha! Dog!"

Another Conversation I Had at Some Point

"How's that new beer taste?"

"It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

Wisdom of Miguel

This happened years ago, but it needs to be documented:

"You're going tubing down the Salt River? It'd be easier just to invite your three best friends over to pee on you."

Soft Apples

"I can't eat my Spaghettios. It hurts my loose tooth."

"Okay, we'll save them for later. Where's your apple?"

"I ate it."

Look How Far I Can Count!

"NINE!"

Last week it was a triumphant "EIGHT!" Usually with a couple omissions. At least she's excited.

Parents Just Don't Understand

"Dada?"

"Yeah?"

"Airplane!"

"Yes?"

"Airplane fly!"

"Uh, sure."

"No, Dada. Airplane! Fly! Fly!!!"

"Okay."

"Ugh!"

And she stormed off.