Saturday, March 29, 2014

Does My Hair Look Too Wild?

"It looks like you should have a cat under each arm."

Here Come the Men in Black

Parents: "Okay, the movie is over.  Rewind it and put it away."
Young-uns: "Re-what?"

Saturday, August 24, 2013


August 2012: Okay, no more yogurt, ever.
August 2013: Milk on my cereal, cheese on my crackers.  Dammit.


Not sure where he picked it up, but it is nearly all-purpose.  'This isn't what I asked for.'  'You're in my personal space.'  'I'm surrounded by morons.'  'Stop the world, I want to get off.'

Monday, August 5, 2013

Hey, Dad, I'm Going to My Room with Three Strange Men

Favorite quote at five.
Hopefully not at fifteen.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Beach Babes

26 mile solo bike ride.  Up County View, along the Miwok Trail, across Coyote Ridge, sat on the point for a while between Muir Beach and Pirates Cove before heading down slope to Muir Beach.  Foggy, cold, June ride; soaking wet and shivering from the fog, sweaty and panting from the elevation climb.  Then rode up Shoreline past the Buddhist camp and the turnoff to Muir Woods, sped down the eastern side of Mt. Tam into the valley to catch the Mill Valley-Sausalito trail to the end of the piers past downtown Sausalito.  Then all the way back to Tennessee Valley.

But the highlight:  An all-girl surveying squad traipsing Muir Beach with maps, compasses, and tape measures, preparing the beach for the upcoming restoration project.  I sat there on the beach with my bike and just watched for a while.  So hot.


In a Kingman, Az hotel room

"There's no toilet paper."
"There's no toilet paper in here."
"Oh, yeah.  Um, C very methodically tore off each square and put it in the toilet."
"The entire roll?"
"You know that ten minutes you went off searching for coffee and you asked me to keep an eye on him?"


Mental note: Do not return to the cute little shopping center near the Purina horse-grinder plant in Flagstaff.


Sounds like a superhero, looks like an old asian dude on a trikey-scooter swooshing through Tiburon.

Selective Perceptions

Her: "I try to pretend that urinals don't exist."

Knitting Your Way to a Finer Ass

Sitting outside JoAnn in Corte Madera is like sitting outside a fitness club.

Hot, healthy female bodies in spandex coming and going.  Just have to ignore the 50 and 60 year old faces atop most of those bodies.


My random old man voice: "Let us go make out on the beach at sunset!"
Her: "I love that you chose his voice for that."
"Whose voice?"
"Sean Connery."

PCH: Pacific Coast Headaches

From the backseat, all the way down the costal road to Big Sur:

C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Roar!

Me, to H: It's like a knock knock joke that I just don't get.

New Mexican in a Strange Land

Are we in Santa Cruces yet?

Roadtripping as a Dude

You never really need to pee.  You just figure, well, she's gone six times, and I haven't really touched my penis in a while, so why not?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Sex and Candy

The Girl is borrowing our bathroom because she has to poop and the boys are in hers:

"Yes?  What?"
Conspiratorially: "I think Mommy has been sneaking candy!"
She points out the plethora of colorful wadded-up condoms in the bathroom trash.
"Those aren't...yeah."

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Little Girl Humor

"Why did the squirrel look down his pants?"


"He was looking for his nuts!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Bustier Night

Holiday drinking with the dudes at the bar:

"Man, I haven't been to this bar since, like, last year, with you guys."
"That's because you're not a biker, man.  Only bikers come here."
"I could be."
"I was here yesterday."
"Are you a biker?"
"It was bikini night."

"Did any of you guys go see The Hobbit?"
"Not yet.  It's gonna rock."
"Well, not like Lord of the Rings."
"They split it into three movies.  This one only covers, like, the first seven chapters."
"Isn't that about how long it took the dwarves to fucking show up and eat?"
"That's bullshit."

"Oh, man, when my wife took me to Twilight -"
"That's bullshit."
"- and the preview for The Hobbit came on, I was all like 'I'm taking you to that shit!'"
"Are you gonna?"
"Right, cause she'd totally go."
"That's bullshit."
"Totally, but that fight scene, right?"
"That was cool."
"Right, but man, I was sitting on the toilet and the book was right there and I was gonna be a while, so I flip to the end to check out that fight."
"It's not even in there, man!"
"It's all like talking and hugging and shit."
"I know!"
"That's bullshit!"
"I know!"

"I'm gonna be forty tomorrow, guys."
"Happy Birthday, man."
"Getting old?"
"I've had to start using that stinky ointment shit on all the sore places."
"That's my cologne these days, man."
"You ever get that shit on your nuts?"
"Why, were your nuts sore?"
"Dude, why would you put it on your nuts?"
"It was an accident, I was rubing it in -"
"On your nuts."
"- on my leg!"
"You ever been peeling pepper seeds and then get that shit on your nuts?  That's worse."
"That's bullshit."
"Why is it that you have enough first-hand experience to compare the two?"
"It was an accident."
"That's bullshit."

"So, yeah, so I'm apparently old enough to go to the store by myself to buy tampons."
"They card you?"
"Dude, I have this great blog post about going to fucking WallMart three times one night for that shit."
"What the hell?"
"You record that shit online?"
"You assholes are gonna get the shit blogged out of you."
"It's all confusing, with all the color-coding and shit."
"That's bullshit."
"Here's some toilet paper.  Roll your own."
"What the fuck, I'm just gonna get her some Depends next time."
"'Get me wings, asshole!'"
"Yeah, and that."
"Tampons don't have wings."
"That's bullshit."

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

iPad Skillz

The seventeen month old just tried to 'swipe' away my televised election coverage.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Word of the Day

"How come we can't find the hair gel, Daddy?  That is totally lame, Daddy.  Doesn't Target sell it?  Don't you think that is lame?  Maybe it's in another aisle.  No?  How lame.  How long have we been looking, Daddy?  That is so lame.  Maybe we should ask someone who works in this lame store?  Daddy, why are we leaving?  Did we find it?  Lame!"

Exeunt father and daughter.

Sugar and Space

The Girl is chalking up the sidewalk.

Whatcha drawing?


Oh.  That's a little out of charac-

"...attacking a TIE fighter."

There she is.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Someone's Last-Minute Christmas List

A pair of Stompeez, a Snuggie, and a Shake-Weight.

If you get these from me this holiday season, I must not like you very much.  Sorry.

Sunday, July 8, 2012


After a very brief lesson, we're now keen on walking with the push toy. Haven't figured out steering, yet.

Putting blankie in the toy shopping cart and pushing it around is pure gold.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Allergy Note

J: Do not eat salmon if you wish to live.
Also avoid Chamomile. Itchy ears. Sounds fun, but not.
And what the hell did Dions put in their fruit that one time? Ouch.

C: Avoid eating...uh, basically anything. Poor guy.

At Meteor Crater

Floor Nugget

A lump of something, as of chicken, that has surpassed the five-second rule.
Usage: "You can't eat floor nugget!"
Origin: The Girl

Oh, yeah, and the big hole in the ground was pretty cool too. Easily came in second most amusing event of the day.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Snake Guy Sighting #2

Tam Junction Starbucks, this time.

Still trying to pick up high-class chicks with his snakes.

I do hope he gets some.

Monday, July 2, 2012


The youngest is entralled by his new-found ability to articulate when any activity or meal should be immediately ceased.

All done!

All the World's a Candy Store, He's Been Trick or Treating

There was a snake guy at the elite-ish Italian pastry place in Greenbrae.

The kids loved it.

The biddies did not.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

What Are We Looking At?

I think it's terribly awkward when an ugly girl wears a shirt with a hot chick on it.

Don't Pee On Me, Bro!

Fort Cronkhite, walking the beach. Wiggly toddler in one arm, a bunch of other crap in the other. I can't see whe my feet are.

"Argh, Mother! My foot! What the shit was that?"
"Ooh, a jellyfish. Don't touch it."

Stabbin' 4 Jesus

Three big dudes walking menacingly toward me in Concord. Big dudes. Shaved heads. Dark, skinny sunglasses. Bling swinging to and fro.

They laughed when I said I was destined to get stabbed in California. Laughed!

"Excuse me, Sir?"
Well, at least the gents were going to be polite about it.
Resigned to my fate: "Yes?"
"We'd like you to have this pamphlet. God bless you."

On Loan

On travel, working from the hotel room.

"Crud, my calculator died."
The Wife: "What kind of batteries?"
"Three triple-A."
"I have four, but I'll need them back later tonight."

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Another Lecture

"Daddy, see how this pattern is black with red?"
"It's like Darth Maul."
"Huh.  Okay."
"Daddy, he's a bad guy in Star Wars."
"Huh.  Okay."

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Friday, December 23, 2011

Playing One Against the Other...Badly

"Mommy, can I have hot chocolate? Daddy said no."

Fun With Calis

Step 1: Make an offhanded mention of how LA and the Bay are essentially the same place.
Step 2: Enjoy the fireworks.
Step 3: Profit!

Don't Put That There

I confused a neti pot with a diva cup in casual conversation today.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Dissn' Dat

"I snoozed and losed."
"Are you sure that's not 'snost and lost'?"

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Fun With Initials

P P, J, P P

Heh, sorry, son.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."
"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."
"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"
And she was piii-issed.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Close to What?

The Girl forgot to put her little seat on the toilet, and I watched her fall.

...all the way in.

I pulled her out by her ankles.

"Whoa," said she, giggling. "That was close."

Friday, April 8, 2011

Luv My Croutons

The adults at the table have received their salads.
"Yes, Love?"
"May I have some of your croutons?"
"No, you may not. Ask your father."


"May I have some of Mommy's croutons?"
"Yes, you may. Thank you for asking so politely."


Monday, April 4, 2011

This is How I Imagine It

"Come here and feel the baby kick."
I felt something small roll across my palm. "Eww, he licked me."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Road Trip 2010

3675 miles.


With sightseeing stops in:
RI: Ocean Drive Mansions
Boston: USS Constitution, Shopping
Braintree, MA: Shopping -- Lego Store!
Portsmouth, NH: USS Albacore, Shopping, Tugboat Sightseeing
Maine: LL Bean, Eartha, Kittery Outlets
NYC: Empire State Building, 5th Avenue, Rockefeller Center
Washington, DC: Air & Space Museum, White House, Landmarks
Philly: Cheesesteak (meh)
Louisville, KY: Spaghetti Factory
St. Louis: Gateway Arch

Thursday, December 9, 2010


"Are you excited to ride the train to New York?"
"Uh, no."
"No, a different kind."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Reproducing Like (As?) Rabbits, or: Fudds Like Us

"Is the baby in Mommy's tummy a boy or a girl?"
"It's a bunny wabbit!"
She sticks out her tummy. "Mine's a duck."

MTV's '2.5 and Pregnant'

"Daddy, the baby in my tummy wants ice cream."
I look pointedly at The Wife. "She gets this from you."