Stop Calling My Bluff

Me: "We have to pick up all our toys, and then go to bed."

Him: "I don't want to clean up. You do it."

Me, dourly: "If you don't want to clean up, then you have to go to bed right now."

Him, cheerily: "Okay, daddy."

Score One For The Wife

Me, watching the hottie at the next table get up and leave: "Aww, my scenery left."
The Wife: "Better than your ride."

Ahh, The Head-Butting Phase

And he's exactly -- oh, say -- crotch height. You do the math.