A Night's Adventure

"Smoke Detector 2, this is Smoke Detector 1. Do you copy?"
"Roger. It is nearly dawn."
"Affirmative. We are GO for Operation: Meaningless Annoyances."
"Very well. Begin Phase 1."
CHIRP
"Note the subject seems confused. Is he dreaming? His eyes close, he begins to drift off again."
CHIRP
"At this point the subject realizes the stimulus is real. And he thinks he may be able to sleep through it."
CHIRP
"Ah, an expletive. Write that down, we'll look it up later. Aha! He's up. Begin Phase 2: Misdirection. Note how the high-pitched wail echos off the walls as he searches for the source."
CHIRP
"Where is he going?"
"Ahh, young one, you have much to learn. We have strategicially placed ourselves just out of reach. And the step ladder is in the garage."
"Ooo. Brilliantly inconvenient."
"Indeed."
"Here he is. Why the limp?"
"I suspect he stubbed his toe. Rather badly, I should say."
CHIRP
"He's got a firm grip on Detector 2. They are going down! The battery is removed. O! those poor bastards."
"Let's have a moment's silence in rememberance."
"He's back in bed."
"Wait for it."
"Ready for Phase 3?"
"Wait for it."
CHIRP
"More expletives incoming."
"Got 'em."
"Ha! He's accidentally woken the gestating female. Enjoy the fireworks."

Animal, He Has Become

He's crazy as a muppet on his new drum kit.

Some chains, crazy hair, throw in a growled "WO-MAN!" Can You Picture That, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

Maybe some rhythm too. "Be a better drummer / Be an up and comer / Can you picture that?"

Oh, man, now that's going to be in my head all day.

Movin' Right Along.... aww, damn.

Baby Names: In-Law's Opinions

The Wife: "What do you guys think of -----?"
Her Dad: "I like Ann."

Baby Names: Parent's Opinions

"Don't pick one that's so hard to pronounce."

Baby Names: Teacher's Opinions

"Sometimes when I'm writing The Boy's name on his artwork, I have to stop and think how to spell it. Is the next one going to be easier?"

Girl Shopping

I am freaked out by little girls' clothes. They are all frilly. They all say something dumb. It's a shirt, not a get well card. "Little Diva." "Crib Queen." "Someday My Prince Will Come." Blech.

Claude Shannon tells us that given a statistical spread of possible messages, the most information is transferred when the message is least expected. (I googled around forever trying to find a concise quote, but you'll just have to deal with my paraphrasing.)

Therefore, if it absolutely must say something, I want my little girl to wear a shirt that says something totally whacked out. Where do I find those?

----

Browsing around with the wife. You can only wander so far before you get out of the infant girls' stuff and into the older girls' stuff. She holds up a teeny blue bra thing that someday my daughter could be wearing. Creepy.

"This is the size I was wearing when we met," she says. Had there been a window nearby I would have screamed and leapt out. Seriously? How? In the dozen years I've known you, we progressed from that to the water balloon launchers laying about my bedroom?

Skeletor Rising

We got one of those 4-D color sonogram movies done. Ewww. She's much cuter in grainy black-and-white. Hope she gets over it.

An Innocent Statement

Watching the sonogram, baby's mouth is opening and closing. "Isn't that cute? She's practicing swallowing. Ow - what? Ohhh."

The Wonders of the Pregnant Brain

She's walking around in her underwear looking confused.

"What's up?"
"I had some pants on a minute ago."

It's...uhmm...Gonna be a Girl

We zoomed way, way, indecently way in to be sure. Couldn't have been more clear had she been sporting big ol hooters and a bundle of shopping bags. Definitely el feminito. Er...la femina. Portuganlish, oui.

A girl? Why did no one see this coming? Except for that one crazy lady at work, who said she thought I would be perfect for a girl's father, as I was -- and these are her words, not mine -- a girly man.

Suddenly, visions of buying gifts for my kids went from, "Hey Pops, will you buy me this kick-ass bass guitar?" to "Daddy, I reallyreallyreally need this Bratz vomitpink playset with prosti-tot accessories." Shudder.

I'm gonna be a horrible dad for a girl. Her only hope is if she happens to grow up as a lesbian goth chick.

"Daddy, can I have some money for these hella cool pink strappy sandals with sparklie bling 'hot stuff' lettering bedazzled on the sides?" Fuuuuuck no.

"Yo, I need some dough for black nail polish and an 'eat me' t-shirt." Here's a fifty, Pumpkin. Treat your friends to something nice too.