Busted for Ignorance

"So, when do we find out?"
"Two weeks."
"Yeah, but don't we just take a test?"
"Right, but not yet."
"Why, won't it tell?"
"But we won't know for sure."
"But...it's a test."
"It might happen..."
"Yes."
"...and then not implant."
"Huh?"
"It's too early. Don't you know anything about women's bodies?"
"Just the squooshy and/or squelchy bits."
"Idiot."

Transform And Roll Out!

"Pull up your underwear, son."
"But daddy, I'm transforming into a kitty cat."
"Transform into a kitty that wears underpants."

Me And My Arrow, Episode V

All those days...and finally salvation! I am given permission to have intimate relations with a dixie cup. Oh, baby, yeah! (Ok, you got me. After that long, the dixie cup was looking rather sensual.)

I have a complaint with the whole system (well, another complaint, anyway). It all boils down to a simple mechanics problem:

Dixie cups, sexy as they are, only operate in a bottom-downward fashion. Whereas my equipment is of the going-up sort.

If you've never struggled with this -- or indeed, for the ladies, if you've never had the particular equipment necessary to pull this off (no pun intended ... no that's a lie, it was fully intended) -- let me just say this results in either uncomfortable contortionism, or a rather messy floor.

Me And My Arrow, Episode IV

Day One: Ok, not so bad. I think I can lick this thing.
Day Two: Must. concentrate. on. something. else.
Day Three: Do you really have to walk around with that ass all the time?
Day Four: Don't touch. Keep those lucious, fantastic tits away from me.
Day Five: Twitch.

Me And My Arrow, Episode III

Doctor: "Ok, so we're going to bring you guys in next week for an IUI."
Me: "Ok."
Doctor: "So, you'll be ready for everything? Hormones, late-night cravings, early-morning barfing..."
"Yep."
"Sleepless nights, diapers, constant feeding, crying, spit-up"
"No prob."
"Terrible-twos, followed by more terrible-threes"
"Uh-huh. Yeah yeah, sure, I'm ready to do it all again. I'm pumped, let's do it!"
"Good. Now, you'll want to abstain until your next appointment."
"Errrm....I'm afraid that's not going to work for me."
"Well you'll want to save up so you have a nice, healthy...."
"I'll make more. It's what I do. This whole engineering thing is just an aside. Really? A week? Like...a week?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode II

Doctors and nurses and lab technicians, peering and squinting and scrutinizing and critiquing my boys. "Hmmm."
"Hmmm?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode I

"Here's your specimen cup. Have fun."
"Can I call her Charlene?"
...
"I don't think this door locks."
"You just have to jiggle it a bit."
"And there's no material."
"We don't do that here."
"Shouldn't there be a chair or sofa or something."
(Impatient frown.)
Sigh. Zzzzzzip.

Mediterranean Orzo Salad: Freakin' Nasty

Wife: "Didn't you already write a post about orzo?"
Me: "Newp. That was couscous."

Kink in the Hose

How in the world do you get a boy to stop putting the Vulcan-neck-pinch-death-grip on his member and spraying everything in front of him when he's going to the bathroom?

Well, for sure, saying "Don'tPinchDon'tPinchDon'tPinch stop pinching it let go!" only draws undue attention to yourself and the fact that the wall is now a sticky mess.

"But daddy, I have to hold it so pee doesn't go everywere."

Way Out of Context

The Boy, to the Pretty Employee Girl at Fredrick's of Hollywood: "My daddy has a small Bumblebee."

I think she crooked an eyebrow at me. Darn him and his new deluxe-sized toys.