Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Satisfied

Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."

"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."

"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"

And she was piii-issed.