Daddy, I Don't Eat Cheerios

"Yippee! My bran!"

20% Funnier

"Oh, who do we have here?"

"It's baby."
"Yeah? Baby who? Baby Pony?"

"No. Baby...Undee-pants! Ha-ha-ha!"

Talkin' Smack

Sitting on a swing set with The Girl in my lap. Another girl, four-ish, eyeing me suspiciously, head tilted to one side, sits on the swing next to us.

"You're not going very high."

"Yeah."

The other girl's head cocks to the other side.

"You should pump your legs like a big girl to go faster."

"Thank you."

Subliminal Nerd

The perfect domestic scene: The Wife, in the kitchen, making French Toast and humming...the Imperial March.

Mad About the Boy

She finally found the confidence to use The Boy's name in everyday conversation. And it is a great, all-purpose word for accusations of all sorts.

She storms in, points through the walls at the boy, and gives me an exasperated: "Gwaam!"

"What's the problem?"

"Gwaam!"

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

No Time to Say Hello, Goodbye. I'm Late!

National Masturbation Month already started! And here I am working in the yard on a Saturday. Pshaw!

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four

"This shit's low-fat!"

"Eh?"

"I thought it was non-fat!"

Evidence of Onesies

The Girl's first self potty use.

The Wife: "There's pee in the baby potty!"

Me: "Cool."

"Do you think it's hers?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it's The Boy messing with us. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it hit the target."