Haircut: The Works

Fade in. Establishing shot: The interior of a cheap-ass hair-cutting salon. Aaaand...Action!

Start in tight on the boy getting his haircut. Perfect.

Now, pan upwards to the blonde stylist. You are in the moment, you are cutting hair. Project! Yes, I can feel it, make me feel it.

Pull back. Mom and Dad are there. Good. Good. Uh oh, Dad has noticed something off screen. Pull back. I want suspense, I want drama.

What's this? A fat stylist, non-chalant, at the next station. Give me non-chalant. More non-chalant! Now, pick up that big electric razor. Study it. Now, your arm. Back to the razor in your other hand. Arm again. Now, slowly, slowly the two shall meet, star-crossed lovers at the balcony. Give us lust, give us intensity. Now! Shave that arm!

Yes! That's it. Start with a quick kiss, razor to wrist. Now, lingering. The razor caresses the arm, farther up. Farther. Deeper now, more intent. Thrust! Up, up the arm.

But, you aren't satisfied with mere forearm play. You want it, you want it bad, you fat bitch. Get the elbow! More aggressive. Dig. Right in there, push through every fold, dig through the flabby elbow skin. Nothing may keep the two apart.

Ok, ok, let's cool things off a bit. Bring us back to the moment. Quick dissolve to the blonde stylist. And....

"Ermmm. Are you...on the clock?"
"Neh. Still on my lunch." Don't break the moment. Keep shaving!
"Uhhh, could you go to the back room and...change the radio station, please?" I love the subtlety!
"In a sec."

Back to the heat! Arm up, over your head, shave that tricky underside! Yes! Yes! Go! Do it! Yes!

And I'm spent. Let's wipe ourselves down with that little brush. Leisurely, give me more leisure. Yes, up and down each arm. Don't forget the breasts. Your stubbly has certainly mussied your breasts. That's it. Yeah.

And now: Back to business. Call your next customer! "Dennis?"

Dennis, give us a little start. That's it, yes. Show us, make us know. Look around. You want desperately to be somewhere else.

And, scene.

Isn't It Like Tapping on a Fishbowl?

"Do you want to feel the baby move?"

Quality Time with the Wife

"Remember four months ago when your soup exploded in the microwave and you didn't clean it up?"
"I have been sooo farty lately. Not stinky-farty, just air-farty. Do you know what I mean?"
"Are my nipples leaking?"

What's on YOUR Nightstand?

"Have you seen my vibrator anywhere?"
"No."
"Oh, here it is. Next to the peanut butter."

Education

"I got the question today, about how the baby got in my tummy."
"Oh?"
"I told him: Daddy and I humped really hard."
"You told him what?"
"Daddy and I hugged really hard."
"Ooohhhh."
"What did you think I said?"