Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Satisfied

Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."

"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."

"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"

And she was piii-issed.

Close to What?

The Girl forgot to put her little seat on the toilet, and I watched her fall.

...all the way in.

I pulled her out by her ankles.

"Whoa," said she, giggling. "That was close."

Luv My Croutons

The adults at the table have received their salads.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I have some of your croutons?"

"No, you may not. Ask your father."

Crap.

"Daddy?"

"Yesss...?"

"May I have some of Mommy's croutons?"

"Yes, you may. Thank you for asking so politely."

Yay!

This is How I Imagine It

"Come here and feel the baby kick."

I felt something small roll across my palm. "Eww, he licked me."

Road Trip 2010

3675 miles.

RI, MA, NH, VT, ME, CT, NY, NJ, PA, DE, MD, VA, WV, KY, IN, IL, MO, OK, TX, NM.

With sightseeing stops in:

RI: Ocean Drive Mansions

Boston: USS Constitution, Shopping

Braintree, MA: Shopping -- Lego Store!

Portsmouth, NH: USS Albacore, Shopping, Tugboat Sightseeing

Maine: LL Bean, Eartha, Kittery Outlets

NYC: Empire State Building, 5th Avenue, Rockefeller Center

Washington, DC: Air & Space Museum, White House, Landmarks

Philly: Cheesesteak (meh)

Louisville, KY: Spaghetti Factory

St. Louis: Gateway Arch

Cheeky

"Are you excited to ride the train to New York?"

"Thomas!"

"Uh, no."

"Percy!"

"No, a different kind."

"Diesel?"

Reproducing Like (As?) Rabbits, or: Fudds Like Us

"Is the baby in Mommy's tummy a boy or a girl?"

"It's a bunny wabbit!"

She sticks out her tummy. "Mine's a duck."

MTV's '2.5 and Pregnant'

"Daddy, the baby in my tummy wants ice cream."

I look pointedly at The Wife. "She gets this from you."

Lessons From Big Bro

"Butt ass tushie."

"No, just tushie."

"Butt ass tushie!"

I Heard This Second Hand

"Mommy, where's my freakin' Daddy?"

Dear Santa:

"Daddy, I need foobies."

"Foobies?"
"And a bra."

Perception

Me, to the Girl: "Stop whining at me!"

The Wife: "You need to talk to her like she's a woman."

"I am."

My Stupid Small-Town Upbringing

Her: "Remember in high school when all the girls would dye their pubes, like, bright pink or red and then run around showing everybody?"

"No, I do not."

What's In Your "Head"?

She's listening to Miser's Zombie:

"We should add this to our Angry Sex mix."

You Heard Me

"How's your wife doing?"

"She pees and cries a lot. That's how she is."

Treasure!

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I can't find kitty, but I did find barf."

What Were We Talking About, Again?

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I don't like that thing in your pants."