Haircut: The Works

Fade in. Establishing shot: The interior of a cheap-ass hair-cutting salon. Aaaand...Action!

Start in tight on the boy getting his haircut. Perfect.

Now, pan upwards to the blonde stylist. You are in the moment, you are cutting hair. Project! Yes, I can feel it, make me feel it.

Pull back. Mom and Dad are there. Good. Good. Uh oh, Dad has noticed something off screen. Pull back. I want suspense, I want drama.

What's this? A fat stylist, non-chalant, at the next station. Give me non-chalant. More non-chalant! Now, pick up that big electric razor. Study it. Now, your arm. Back to the razor in your other hand. Arm again. Now, slowly, slowly the two shall meet, star-crossed lovers at the balcony. Give us lust, give us intensity. Now! Shave that arm!

Yes! That's it. Start with a quick kiss, razor to wrist. Now, lingering. The razor caresses the arm, farther up. Farther. Deeper now, more intent. Thrust! Up, up the arm.

But, you aren't satisfied with mere forearm play. You want it, you want it bad, you fat bitch. Get the elbow! More aggressive. Dig. Right in there, push through every fold, dig through the flabby elbow skin. Nothing may keep the two apart.

Ok, ok, let's cool things off a bit. Bring us back to the moment. Quick dissolve to the blonde stylist. And....

"Ermmm. Are you...on the clock?"
"Neh. Still on my lunch." Don't break the moment. Keep shaving!
"Uhhh, could you go to the back room and...change the radio station, please?" I love the subtlety!
"In a sec."

Back to the heat! Arm up, over your head, shave that tricky underside! Yes! Yes! Go! Do it! Yes!

And I'm spent. Let's wipe ourselves down with that little brush. Leisurely, give me more leisure. Yes, up and down each arm. Don't forget the breasts. Your stubbly has certainly mussied your breasts. That's it. Yeah.

And now: Back to business. Call your next customer! "Dennis?"

Dennis, give us a little start. That's it, yes. Show us, make us know. Look around. You want desperately to be somewhere else.

And, scene.

A Night's Adventure

"Smoke Detector 2, this is Smoke Detector 1. Do you copy?"
"Roger. It is nearly dawn."
"Affirmative. We are GO for Operation: Meaningless Annoyances."
"Very well. Begin Phase 1."
CHIRP
"Note the subject seems confused. Is he dreaming? His eyes close, he begins to drift off again."
CHIRP
"At this point the subject realizes the stimulus is real. And he thinks he may be able to sleep through it."
CHIRP
"Ah, an expletive. Write that down, we'll look it up later. Aha! He's up. Begin Phase 2: Misdirection. Note how the high-pitched wail echos off the walls as he searches for the source."
CHIRP
"Where is he going?"
"Ahh, young one, you have much to learn. We have strategicially placed ourselves just out of reach. And the step ladder is in the garage."
"Ooo. Brilliantly inconvenient."
"Indeed."
"Here he is. Why the limp?"
"I suspect he stubbed his toe. Rather badly, I should say."
CHIRP
"He's got a firm grip on Detector 2. They are going down! The battery is removed. O! those poor bastards."
"Let's have a moment's silence in rememberance."
"He's back in bed."
"Wait for it."
"Ready for Phase 3?"
"Wait for it."
CHIRP
"More expletives incoming."
"Got 'em."
"Ha! He's accidentally woken the gestating female. Enjoy the fireworks."