New Mexican in a Strange Land

Are we in Santa Cruces yet?

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

Soft Apples

"I can't eat my Spaghettios. It hurts my loose tooth."

"Okay, we'll save them for later. Where's your apple?"

"I ate it."

Galileo. Mimi-mi-mi.

Educating the boy on some Youtube'd Bohemian Rhapsody:

Him: "Daddy, play the real one."

Me: "This is the real one."

"No, the one with the Muppets."

Messin' With the Boy

"Daddy, I actually have a lot of girlfriends."

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yeah, there's..." and he proceeds to lay like seven or eight names on me. Way to go, boy. Time to knock you down a peg.

"So, you kissed any of them yet?"

Drawn-out silence.

"Daddy...I'm uhh...I'm not really into that kind of thing."

Bed Time Progress

"Aren't you done brushing your teeth yet?"

"I've almost started."

You Laugh, and Then You Feel Bad

Mr. Putter & Tabby are just awesome. In tonight's book, Mr. Putter's neighbor talks him into running a marathon. "It's a senior marathon," said Mrs. Teaberry. "Nothing but old people!"

"Chapter 4: Everybody passed Mr. Putter. Everybody except two people. Two people who tripped and fell and never got up."

I don't know why we laughed. But we did. Poor old people.

Science!

Makin' bratwursts and sipping lemonade in the rain (yes, THOSE bratwursts and that lemonade).

"Uhh, Dad?  Emergency!"  (He's still in Khan mode, how adorable.)  "Why is the barbeque smoking like that?"

"Steam, not smoke.  From the rain."

"Ohh, right."

Bubbles!

"Hey, Mom, look.  When I turn this over, the bubbles always go to the top."

"I bet Dad can explain the science to you."

"Not science, Mom.  Bubbles."

Continuing the Story

Anyway, after watching said film, The Boy now has an awesome arsenal of newly-acquired vocabulary for playing with his toys.

"Fire.  Fire!  FIRE!"

"Damage report!"

"Evasive maneuver!  Starboard!"

"We need power in three minutes or we're all dead!"

"He's dead already!"

"From Hell's heart, I stab at thee."

"Khaaaan!"

Ok, I made those last two up.  But it would be cool.

Brain Freeze

We were at an event. Charity. For the kids.

The Lobos cheerleaders were at the starting gate, waving the herd through. Just as I happened to be passing right in front of a tight little brunette thing, she happens to wiggle a bit and says to the blonde next to her -- no lie: "I'm single and lookin' to mingle."

My brain (possibly): "Awwwwsome. Say something dude."
Feet keep plodding along.
"Anything. Something cute. 'I'm mingly.' No, weird. 'I'm Chuck, wanna fu'--- no, crude. Anything."
Still movin' ahead.
"Asshole, I'm talking to you. Hello, moron!"
But nothing remotely suggestive rhymes with Jason.

The boy, walking behind me, gave her a high-five as he passed. STUD!

It's Your Mom, Dude!

Sometimes the Boy just isn't as far out of earshot as you're hoping.

Her, leaning close to me: "I bought a little sexy something, if you want to see it later."

Him: "Can we see it now?"

You! Alright? I Learned It by Watching You!

"Stop biting your nails, son."

Pain in the Ass

WHUMP!

The wife and I look at each other.  What was that?

Scene:  The Boy's room.  Enter:  Me.  He's sprawled out at an odd angle atop the bow of his boatbed.  "What's up?"

He just lays there, all cool, like, Yeah, I'm just chillin' on this thing here.  "Mommy polished this wood today."

"Yes?"

"It's all slippery."

"Did you fall?"

The embarrasing secret is out.  He starts to cry.  "I hurt my butt."

Now I See

We met the boy's kindergarten teacher last night.
"Oh, hi, it's so nice to meet you! The TA and I just love what you put in his lunches every day. We think it's hilarious."
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, ha ha."

Later, discretely to the wife: "What do we put in his lunches every day?"
"Raw spinach and whole wheat cous cous. Why?"

Indubitably

"But Daddy, some foods don't make poop."
"No. If it goes in, it has to go out."
"Indeed."
"In...deed?"

Swim Class

"Ok, who can tell me some good pool rules?"
Not-my-kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "No running."
"Very good. Any others?"
Another not-my-kid raises her hand enthusiastically: "No rough-housing."
"Excellent. Anyone else?"
My kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "I don't have any."
"Oookay. Anyone else?"
Also my kid: "But I did bring goggles!"

Whatever, Freak

"Daddy, I'm hungry."
"Ok, let's make some grilled cheeses. Does that sound good?"
"Uh. No. Let's have apples and soy milk."
"You spend too much time with Mommy."

Animal, He Has Become

He's crazy as a muppet on his new drum kit.

Some chains, crazy hair, throw in a growled "WO-MAN!" Can You Picture That, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

Maybe some rhythm too. "Be a better drummer / Be an up and comer / Can you picture that?"

Oh, man, now that's going to be in my head all day.

Movin' Right Along.... aww, damn.

The More Direct Approach

"Mommy has a baby in her tummy. You're going to be a big brother."
"Oh, wow."
"Yep, isn't it exciting."
"Uh huh. How many minutes?"
"Well, it's going to be a while."
"Tomorrow?"