Busted for Ignorance

"So, when do we find out?"
"Two weeks."
"Yeah, but don't we just take a test?"
"Right, but not yet."
"Why, won't it tell?"
"But we won't know for sure."
"But...it's a test."
"It might happen..."
"Yes."
"...and then not implant."
"Huh?"
"It's too early. Don't you know anything about women's bodies?"
"Just the squooshy and/or squelchy bits."
"Idiot."

Transform And Roll Out!

"Pull up your underwear, son."
"But daddy, I'm transforming into a kitty cat."
"Transform into a kitty that wears underpants."

Me And My Arrow, Episode V

All those days...and finally salvation! I am given permission to have intimate relations with a dixie cup. Oh, baby, yeah! (Ok, you got me. After that long, the dixie cup was looking rather sensual.)

I have a complaint with the whole system (well, another complaint, anyway). It all boils down to a simple mechanics problem:

Dixie cups, sexy as they are, only operate in a bottom-downward fashion. Whereas my equipment is of the going-up sort.

If you've never struggled with this -- or indeed, for the ladies, if you've never had the particular equipment necessary to pull this off (no pun intended ... no that's a lie, it was fully intended) -- let me just say this results in either uncomfortable contortionism, or a rather messy floor.

Me And My Arrow, Episode IV

Day One: Ok, not so bad. I think I can lick this thing.
Day Two: Must. concentrate. on. something. else.
Day Three: Do you really have to walk around with that ass all the time?
Day Four: Don't touch. Keep those lucious, fantastic tits away from me.
Day Five: Twitch.

Me And My Arrow, Episode III

Doctor: "Ok, so we're going to bring you guys in next week for an IUI."
Me: "Ok."
Doctor: "So, you'll be ready for everything? Hormones, late-night cravings, early-morning barfing..."
"Yep."
"Sleepless nights, diapers, constant feeding, crying, spit-up"
"No prob."
"Terrible-twos, followed by more terrible-threes"
"Uh-huh. Yeah yeah, sure, I'm ready to do it all again. I'm pumped, let's do it!"
"Good. Now, you'll want to abstain until your next appointment."
"Errrm....I'm afraid that's not going to work for me."
"Well you'll want to save up so you have a nice, healthy...."
"I'll make more. It's what I do. This whole engineering thing is just an aside. Really? A week? Like...a week?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode II

Doctors and nurses and lab technicians, peering and squinting and scrutinizing and critiquing my boys. "Hmmm."
"Hmmm?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode I

"Here's your specimen cup. Have fun."
"Can I call her Charlene?"
...
"I don't think this door locks."
"You just have to jiggle it a bit."
"And there's no material."
"We don't do that here."
"Shouldn't there be a chair or sofa or something."
(Impatient frown.)
Sigh. Zzzzzzip.

Mediterranean Orzo Salad: Freakin' Nasty

Wife: "Didn't you already write a post about orzo?"
Me: "Newp. That was couscous."

Kink in the Hose

How in the world do you get a boy to stop putting the Vulcan-neck-pinch-death-grip on his member and spraying everything in front of him when he's going to the bathroom?

Well, for sure, saying "Don'tPinchDon'tPinchDon'tPinch stop pinching it let go!" only draws undue attention to yourself and the fact that the wall is now a sticky mess.

"But daddy, I have to hold it so pee doesn't go everywere."

Way Out of Context

The Boy, to the Pretty Employee Girl at Fredrick's of Hollywood: "My daddy has a small Bumblebee."

I think she crooked an eyebrow at me. Darn him and his new deluxe-sized toys.

Stop Calling My Bluff

Me: "We have to pick up all our toys, and then go to bed."

Him: "I don't want to clean up. You do it."

Me, dourly: "If you don't want to clean up, then you have to go to bed right now."

Him, cheerily: "Okay, daddy."

Score One For The Wife

Me, watching the hottie at the next table get up and leave: "Aww, my scenery left."
The Wife: "Better than your ride."

Ahh, The Head-Butting Phase

And he's exactly -- oh, say -- crotch height. You do the math.

Too Dumb For Satellite TV

"Do you guys want to watch TV?"
"Ok, sure."
"Here's the remote. Know how to use it?"
"Um...."
"Push this button to select the receiver. Then power here. Deselect the receiver by pushing this button and select the tv and push power again. Bring up the menu, here. Roll through the channel selection guide with these. Here's the volume. When you find something you want to watch, if it has already started, you can ...."
"You know what? I think I'll just go to sleep instead."

Is This Just Me?

Visiting my hometown....

The Wife quietly leans over to me: "Is there an adult store in town?"
"Um...I dunno."
"Go ask your dad."
"Eww, no!"
"Why?"
Words have escaped. Of course I retaliated in the only language she understands: acquiescence.

"She needs a sex store. Tonight." I announce to a living room full of family, hoping to embarrass everyone into a stupor.
Of course, my family are experts and they don't miss a beat. "What kind? Are you looking for toys or clothes or magazines or videos or books or what?" Everyone has a favorite.

---

At "The Shoppe":

I'm admiring the clothing, the games, and of course perusing the video selection. Shaving Private Ryan. Add Mama to the Train. NetFlix has some catching up to do.

She's talking to the gal, who is laying out a dissertation on the merits of metal nubs versus the plastic kind.

---

Later....

House full of people, The Wife leans over and whispers something to my sister.
"Go ahead," she replies. "We'll watch your boy while you are busy."
"Busy?" I ask as I'm being dragged upstairs. "Busy with what?"

---

In my old room:

"What's the matter? You don't seem as into this as usual."
"You told my sister what we are doing."
"So?"
"And I can hear my dad talking downstairs. Right...under...us."
"So?"

---

We get back downstairs. I'm trying my darndest (and failing) to suppress the I-just-got-it smirk. That eyes half closed, vacant look that says, 'I need a glass of water and a nap.'
"Wow, you guys were very quiet," my sister critiques. Did she just look at her watch?

Dad, maybe he's oblivious: "Did you change clothes?"

Momma Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said....

"Daddy, daddy!"
"Uh-huh?"
"My fingers were stuck and mommy called the doctor and he said 'don't put your fingers in the chair.'"
"Huh?"
The Wife: "There was an incident. It involved the chair, a doctor, some olive oil, and the tub of butter. Don't sit there."

It's Bad When the Boy Gets My Jokes

Walking through the pool toys section of a store, the little man points out a box with a hot, busty chick sprawled out on a floaty lounge.

"What's this for?"
"For laying on. And she has a pool toy."
He looks at me and then laughs hysterically. Uh oh.

Don't Pick It Up If You Don't Know What It Is!!!

"Daddy?"
"Mmm-hmm?"
"Is this poop?"

Great, You'll Be Surfing Porn In No Time

"Daddy, can I play the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse game?" It's an on-line thing for kids. Saves me from having to spend money on real computer games.
"Sure, give me one sec and I'll help you."
"I can do it." Huh?

He hoists himself into the chair, and then - get this:
Clicks on his logon profile.
Double-clicks Internet Explorer.
Opens his Favorites menu.
Clicks on the bookmark.
Re-closes the Favorites menu.

Holy crap! How did he learn ANY of that?

A Superman Cape, On the Other Hand....

I was reading a collection of funny warnings found on products. "Hairdryer not for use in shower." "Enema not for oral use." That kind of thing. And then I happend upon this:

"Found on Batman costume: Cape does not enable user to fly."

Well, duh! Everyone knows Batman didn't fly.