New Mexican in a Strange Land

Are we in Santa Cruces yet?

Roadtripping as a Dude

You never really need to pee.  You just figure, well, she's gone six times, and I haven't really touched my penis in a while, so why not?

Sex and Candy

The Girl is borrowing our bathroom because she has to poop and the boys are in hers:

"Daddy!"
"Yes?  What?"
Conspiratorially: "I think Mommy has been sneaking candy!"
She points out the plethora of colorful wadded-up condoms in the bathroom trash.
"Those aren't...yeah."

Little Girl Humor

"Why did the squirrel look down his pants?"

Why?

"He was looking for his nuts!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Bustier Night

Holiday drinking with the dudes at the bar:

"Man, I haven't been to this bar since, like, last year, with you guys."
"That's because you're not a biker, man.  Only bikers come here."
"I could be."
"I was here yesterday."
"Yesterday?"
"Are you a biker?"
"Why?"
"It was bikini night."
All: "AWESOME!"
Drink.

"Did any of you guys go see The Hobbit?"
"Not yet.  It's gonna rock."
"Well, not like Lord of the Rings."
"Totally."
"They split it into three movies.  This one only covers, like, the first seven chapters."
"Isn't that about how long it took the dwarves to fucking show up and eat?"
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"Oh, man, when my wife took me to Twilight -"
"That's bullshit."
"- and the preview for The Hobbit came on, I was all like 'I'm taking you to that shit!'"
"Are you gonna?"
"Right, cause she'd totally go."
"That's bullshit."
"Totally, but that fight scene, right?"
"That was cool."
"Right, but man, I was sitting on the toilet and the book was right there and I was gonna be a while, so I flip to the end to check out that fight."
"It's not even in there, man!"
"It's all like talking and hugging and shit."
"I know!"
"That's bullshit!"
"I know!"
Drink.

"I'm gonna be forty tomorrow, guys."
"Happy Birthday, man."
"Congrats."
"Getting old?"
"I've had to start using that stinky ointment shit on all the sore places."
"That's my cologne these days, man."
"You ever get that shit on your nuts?"
"What?"
"Why, were your nuts sore?"
"Dude, why would you put it on your nuts?"
"It was an accident, I was rubing it in -"
"On your nuts."
"- on my leg!"
"Right."
"You ever been peeling pepper seeds and then get that shit on your nuts?  That's worse."
"That's bullshit."
"Why is it that you have enough first-hand experience to compare the two?"
"It was an accident."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"So, yeah, so I'm apparently old enough to go to the store by myself to buy tampons."
"They card you?"
"Dude, I have this great blog post about going to fucking WallMart three times one night for that shit."
"What the hell?"
"You record that shit online?"
"You assholes are gonna get the shit blogged out of you."
"It's all confusing, with all the color-coding and shit."
"That's bullshit."
"Here's some toilet paper.  Roll your own."
"What the fuck, I'm just gonna get her some Depends next time."
"'Get me wings, asshole!'"
"Yeah, and that."
"Tampons don't have wings."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

iPad Skillz

The seventeen month old just tried to 'swipe' away my televised election coverage.

Word of the Day

"How come we can't find the hair gel, Daddy?  That is totally lame, Daddy.  Doesn't Target sell it?  Don't you think that is lame?  Maybe it's in another aisle.  No?  How lame.  How long have we been looking, Daddy?  That is so lame.  Maybe we should ask someone who works in this lame store?  Daddy, why are we leaving?  Did we find it?  Lame!"

Exeunt father and daughter.

Sugar and Space

The Girl is chalking up the sidewalk.

Whatcha drawing?

"Strawberries."

Oh.  That's a little out of charac-

"...attacking a TIE fighter."

There she is.

Someone's Last-Minute Christmas List

A pair of Stompeez, a Snuggie, and a Shake-Weight.

If you get these from me this holiday season, I must not like you very much.  Sorry.

Milestone

After a very brief lesson, we're now keen on walking with the push toy. Haven't figured out steering, yet.

Putting blankie in the toy shopping cart and pushing it around is pure gold.

Allergy Note

J: Do not eat salmon if you wish to live.
Also avoid Chamomile. Itchy ears. Sounds fun, but not.
And what the hell did Dions put in their fruit that one time? Ouch.

C: Avoid eating...uh, basically anything. Poor guy.

At Meteor Crater

Floor Nugget

Noun
A lump of something, as of chicken, that has surpassed the five-second rule.
Usage: "You can't eat floor nugget!"
Origin: The Girl

Oh, yeah, and the big hole in the ground was pretty cool too. Easily came in second most amusing event of the day.

Snake Guy Sighting #2

Tam Junction Starbucks, this time.

Still trying to pick up high-class chicks with his snakes.

I do hope he gets some.

Ah-Da!

The youngest is entralled by his new-found ability to articulate when any activity or meal should be immediately ceased.

All done!

All the World's a Candy Store, He's Been Trick or Treating

There was a snake guy at the elite-ish Italian pastry place in Greenbrae.

The kids loved it.

The biddies did not.

What Are We Looking At?

I think it's terribly awkward when an ugly girl wears a shirt with a hot chick on it.

Don't Pee On Me, Bro!

Fort Cronkhite, walking the beach. Wiggly toddler in one arm, a bunch of other crap in the other. I can't see whe my feet are.

"Argh, Mother! My foot! What the shit was that?"
"Ooh, a jellyfish. Don't touch it."

Stabbin' 4 Jesus

Three big dudes walking menacingly toward me in Concord. Big dudes. Shaved heads. Dark, skinny sunglasses. Bling swinging to and fro.

They laughed when I said I was destined to get stabbed in California. Laughed!

"Excuse me, Sir?"
Well, at least the gents were going to be polite about it.
Resigned to my fate: "Yes?"
"We'd like you to have this pamphlet. God bless you."

On Loan

On travel, working from the hotel room.

"Crud, my calculator died."
The Wife: "What kind of batteries?"
"Three triple-A."
"I have four, but I'll need them back later tonight."

Another Lecture

"Daddy, see how this pattern is black with red?"
"Sure."
"It's like Darth Maul."
"Huh.  Okay."
"Daddy, he's a bad guy in Star Wars."
"Huh.  Okay."