My Stupid Small-Town Upbringing

Her: "Remember in high school when all the girls would dye their pubes, like, bright pink or red and then run around showing everybody?"

"No, I do not."

What's In Your "Head"?

She's listening to Miser's Zombie:

"We should add this to our Angry Sex mix."

You Heard Me

"How's your wife doing?"

"She pees and cries a lot. That's how she is."

Treasure!

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I can't find kitty, but I did find barf."

What Were We Talking About, Again?

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I don't like that thing in your pants."

Amateur Gardening Hour

"Those weeds look just like our garden."

Not Getting One

Another rehearsal in her room (...or, Why the Baby Monitor Amuses Us So).

"I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"Daddeee, I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"I...don't have a t.v. in MY room."

Rehearsal

Heard over the baby monitor (she thought she was alone):

"Whatever."

"What-ever."

"WhatEVER."

"What.Ever."

"What?Ever!"

Facebook Ditty

I received a Facebook entreat

From someone I hardly did meet

I confirmed the profile

And sat with a smile

For I knew I was in for a treat

His avatar started the fun

An image to show everyone

"What pose should I strike

To elicit a 'Like'?"

So he's photographed holding a gun

Friends number in the hundreds or more

Under 'Sex' it simply reads: 'Sure'

Education's left blank

Religion's appallingly frank

And I daren't repeat 'Looking For'

"My past is perhaps slightly checkered

But I think it's all good with my Shepherd

I have no life plan

Though high school was grand

Facebook didn't leave room for arrest record"

He's been spreading his seed all around

Unclothed brats roving all over town

I wanted to write

To his dear latest wife

"Would it make sense to put the dick down?"

Ignoring all social taboos

Espousing idealistic views

"Every one of you guys

Lean too far to one side"

We know where he gets his political news

He didn't know that words juxtaposed

Can provide us with humorous prose

Well I felt really bad

When he said he Teabagged

So I suggested he breathe through his nose

"My country's going up into flames

With tolerance mostly to blame"

His words are so vile

And writing infantile

That everything's misspelled but his name

Homophones: 'their' is not what he meant

Colloquial: 'wanna' is just too strident

Punctuation is for the bees

Subject and verb don't agree

Leaving plenty of room for improvement

His wall continues the trend

Attacks and snide comments without end

You may 'Like' or 'Ignore'

But I had opened the door

I now shut with one click: 'Unfriend'

Daddy, I Don't Eat Cheerios

"Yippee! My bran!"

20% Funnier

"Oh, who do we have here?"

"It's baby."
"Yeah? Baby who? Baby Pony?"

"No. Baby...Undee-pants! Ha-ha-ha!"

Talkin' Smack

Sitting on a swing set with The Girl in my lap. Another girl, four-ish, eyeing me suspiciously, head tilted to one side, sits on the swing next to us.

"You're not going very high."

"Yeah."

The other girl's head cocks to the other side.

"You should pump your legs like a big girl to go faster."

"Thank you."

Subliminal Nerd

The perfect domestic scene: The Wife, in the kitchen, making French Toast and humming...the Imperial March.

Mad About the Boy

She finally found the confidence to use The Boy's name in everyday conversation. And it is a great, all-purpose word for accusations of all sorts.

She storms in, points through the walls at the boy, and gives me an exasperated: "Gwaam!"

"What's the problem?"

"Gwaam!"

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

No Time to Say Hello, Goodbye. I'm Late!

National Masturbation Month already started! And here I am working in the yard on a Saturday. Pshaw!

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four

"This shit's low-fat!"

"Eh?"

"I thought it was non-fat!"

Evidence of Onesies

The Girl's first self potty use.

The Wife: "There's pee in the baby potty!"

Me: "Cool."

"Do you think it's hers?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it's The Boy messing with us. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it hit the target."

Not Much Notice

"Hey, does the cat seem a bit out of sorts to you?"

RIP Tinker-Belle, ~11/2001 - 4/12/2010

Mmm, Number Two

In an effort to keep them away from the children, we've (for some reason I don't know) been keeping the Easter Peeps, M&Ms, and Jelly Bellys next to the master toilet.

Dropping the kids off at the pool has never been such a treat.