I Call Shenanigans

She's standing in her crib, full-length footie jammies around her ankles, holding her diaper proudly.

"Why did you take your diaper off?"

Innocently: "[It] fall down."

Porking Pens, Banging Bics, Ultra-Fine Flings, Writing Utensils Gone Wild

The secret to pen reproduction:

I can never, ever find a pen when I need one in the moment.

If, however, I remove a pen from atop my keyboard -- always in that empty space between the function keys and the number row -- and set it directly next to the keyboard, an entirely new pen will magically appear in the very same spot, the very next day, only to be set next to its friend next to my keyboard.

There are, at this very moment right now synchronize-your-watches-aaand-mark, exactly six writing utensils next to my keyboard. One black, one red, one orange Crayola washable, and three pencils.

Women!

Whoopie, Gifts!

"I'm really sick, but we can have birthday while-I-lay-there sex."

It's Virtual

The little one discovered my Dragon Age dog. That was the most exciting thing to happen all week. She's just a little obsessed with them, for some reason.

"Dog! Haha! Dog!"

Another Conversation I Had at Some Point

"How's that new beer taste?"

"It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

Wisdom of Miguel

This happened years ago, but it needs to be documented:

"You're going tubing down the Salt River? It'd be easier just to invite your three best friends over to pee on you."

Soft Apples

"I can't eat my Spaghettios. It hurts my loose tooth."

"Okay, we'll save them for later. Where's your apple?"

"I ate it."

Look How Far I Can Count!

"NINE!"

Last week it was a triumphant "EIGHT!" Usually with a couple omissions. At least she's excited.

Parents Just Don't Understand

"Dada?"

"Yeah?"

"Airplane!"

"Yes?"

"Airplane fly!"

"Uh, sure."

"No, Dada. Airplane! Fly! Fly!!!"

"Okay."

"Ugh!"

And she stormed off.

Not Gonna Make It

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 1. The finite-depth FIFO.

"Oh, Honey, I desperately need tampons. Can you go out and get some?"

"Ugh, ok. Tampons."

"Here, use this cash. And get yourself something, too."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me."

"And pick up the photos for school while you're there."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me. Photos for school."

"Oh! And Hot Tomales!"

"Cash. Something for me. Photos for school. Hot Tomales. No problem, I'll be right back."

To the store!

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 2. Slightly later than I intended.

"Good night, Honey. Oh, where did you put the tampons?"

"The wha-? DAMMIT!"

To the store!

Hm. Which kind did she want? I thought she said this one...but I thought she wanted that color. FUKIT, I'm buying them all.

Taking off the pants for bed, Take 3. Not going to the office early, after all.

"Oh, thank you, Honey. I love you."

"We won't need tampons for a while. I stocked up."

"What do you mean?"
"Nothing. Good night."

Firsts

"Yay, sushi!"

"Olive more, Dad."

For Miguel

I had Jack in the Box for the first time today. It didn't taste at all like kangaroo meat.

Specifics

"Cea-ol!"

"Cereal?"

"Yay!"

"Ok, I'll make you some Cheerios."

"No! Cea-ol!"

"Raisin Bran?"

"Yay!"

Oh My

Awesome recent episodes:

(It may be that certain people are putting me on, but a little ignorance never hurt anyone)

Me, at a party: "So, what are you girls chattering about?"

"We were just comparing notes on our lesbian tendencies."

Me, at home: "Who was that on the phone?"

"Soandso. She likes to call me while she's in a bubble bath and ask if I can hear her splashing around."

Galileo. Mimi-mi-mi.

Educating the boy on some Youtube'd Bohemian Rhapsody:

Him: "Daddy, play the real one."

Me: "This is the real one."

"No, the one with the Muppets."

Giggles and Tears

Dropping your balloon and watching it float away in the Trader Joe's parking lot is the most awesome and crappiest thing ever.

I Hate Everybody

If you ain't Mommy, then you ain't shit.

If you are Mommy, then you are.

That Counts As One

"I am interested in lots of things. Monsters, Vampires, Were Animals... can not narrow it down to fit it in a box."

Facebookers.

Opportunities

Me, staring into the fridge: "I can't find the cheese."

She reaches past me and pulls out the cheese.

"You'd better hope this engineering gig pans out, because you'll never make it as a domestic goddess."

Just Trying

The Wife meets me in the driveway and immediately hands The Girl off to me.

Exasperated tone: "She wants you. I want her to want you."

Me, singing along: "Do you...need her to need me?"

But sometimes my cheerful demeanor isn't contagious.