Why Engineers are Smarter Than Lovelace Doctors

When probing someone's abdomen for tender spots, a patient reacts with "OWW."

An engineer would troubleshoot and find the cause.

A Lovelace doctor would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't poke you there anymore," and leave the room.

True story (I have lots of these...it may be a new theme of mine....)

You Laugh, and Then You Feel Bad

Mr. Putter & Tabby are just awesome. In tonight's book, Mr. Putter's neighbor talks him into running a marathon. "It's a senior marathon," said Mrs. Teaberry. "Nothing but old people!"

"Chapter 4: Everybody passed Mr. Putter. Everybody except two people. Two people who tripped and fell and never got up."

I don't know why we laughed. But we did. Poor old people.

Well the Times Are Getting Hard for You, Little Girl

I was sitting on my guitar stool hammering out some Great White, when a certain little someone, carrying certain little purple shoes, comes in, drops them at the bottom of my stool, looks up at me, and says, "Out." It's not a suggestion, not a demand, just a 'we're doing this, so you might as well get started.'

I Tawt I Taw Titty Tatts

So, there's this 'water feature'...spurting...and a chick...getting spurted on.... You can't not notice these things.

Her shirt got wet. She fluttered the front to dry her chest. And there was an impressive amount of ink.

These Showers Don't Bring May Flowers

The Setting: 4th of July weekend barbeque.

The Players: Lots of adults, lots of kids.

The Props: Beef, Beer, Brats, and of course, fireworks of every sort.

The tagline: "Hey, Daddy, can I try a Golden Shower?"

"wha-? heeheehee Wh-What did you say?" (giggle)

The lettering, bold on the side of this firework, big capital letters: "THE GOLDEN SHOWER"

Everyone is calmly and ponderously checking out the crazy Jason. Crazy Jason is wiping beer from his nostrils and tears from his eyes. "Does no one else think this is hilarious?"

"What's wrong with that guy?" "I dunno. But keep him away from the guac. Ew."

Dumb Shit We Sing To The Kids At Bedtime

Jam-mies. Jam-mies.

And I hope you like jammies too.

We're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies.

Hope you like jammies too.

Droppin' Some Knowledge

If you suspect you might be getting sick, give the bratwursts and lemonade a miss.  Proper.

Science!

Makin' bratwursts and sipping lemonade in the rain (yes, THOSE bratwursts and that lemonade).

"Uhh, Dad?  Emergency!"  (He's still in Khan mode, how adorable.)  "Why is the barbeque smoking like that?"

"Steam, not smoke.  From the rain."

"Ohh, right."

Bubbles!

"Hey, Mom, look.  When I turn this over, the bubbles always go to the top."

"I bet Dad can explain the science to you."

"Not science, Mom.  Bubbles."

Continuing the Story

Anyway, after watching said film, The Boy now has an awesome arsenal of newly-acquired vocabulary for playing with his toys.

"Fire.  Fire!  FIRE!"

"Damage report!"

"Evasive maneuver!  Starboard!"

"We need power in three minutes or we're all dead!"

"He's dead already!"

"From Hell's heart, I stab at thee."

"Khaaaan!"

Ok, I made those last two up.  But it would be cool.

Beginning the Story

"So, The Boy and I were watching Wrath of Khan yesterday --"

"Why?"

"It's....  You....  You can't ask 'Why Wrath of Khan?'  It's not a legitimate question.  'Why Generations?' sure.  'Why Wrath of Khan?' makes no sense."

Blank stare.

Brain Freeze

We were at an event. Charity. For the kids.

The Lobos cheerleaders were at the starting gate, waving the herd through. Just as I happened to be passing right in front of a tight little brunette thing, she happens to wiggle a bit and says to the blonde next to her -- no lie: "I'm single and lookin' to mingle."

My brain (possibly): "Awwwwsome. Say something dude."
Feet keep plodding along.
"Anything. Something cute. 'I'm mingly.' No, weird. 'I'm Chuck, wanna fu'--- no, crude. Anything."
Still movin' ahead.
"Asshole, I'm talking to you. Hello, moron!"
But nothing remotely suggestive rhymes with Jason.

The boy, walking behind me, gave her a high-five as he passed. STUD!

Baby Experimentations

Hmm....  Why is it that stripey things don't feel stripey?

The Neighbors, This Month

"Yeah, they came and got the new one, too."

The Neighbors, Last Month

"How do you like my new car?"

"Oh, it's nice.  Did you sell your other one?"

"No, they towed it away lastnight.  They were so loud, didn't they wake you up?  So, I had to go buy a new one today."

Ah.

It's Your Mom, Dude!

Sometimes the Boy just isn't as far out of earshot as you're hoping.

Her, leaning close to me: "I bought a little sexy something, if you want to see it later."

Him: "Can we see it now?"

Left on the Desktop

Me:  "What time does your flight leave in the morning?"

Her:  "7:30."

"Ugh, that means I have to wake up at, like, 5."

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks.  It's like," (reading from the monitor) "of, pertaining to, involving, or near the anus."

"Huh?"

"What is this?"

"Ohhh...I was looking up something."

"Up what?"

Paying It Forward

"...."

"..ngrruh..?"

"I said, I can't believe that asshole."

"..huunh..?"

"The casino neighbor guy.  He was dragging his garbage bin across the gravel out to the curb at two freaking a.m.  I could hear him over the monitor from the baby's room."

"..eeh..?"

"It woke me up, and now I can't fall asleep."

"..ockaaysh.."

"Are you even listening to me?  Are you even awake?"

Man Wipes?

Us, on travel: "We changed the baby.  Where can we toss the used wipes?"

Them: "Aren't they flushable?  Like my man-wipes?"

How Cold Was It?

Her, driving: "Ugh, who did that?"

"Me, sorry."  I reach toward the window control.

"No!  No, I'd rather just smell it than be cold."