It's Your Mom, Dude!

Sometimes the Boy just isn't as far out of earshot as you're hoping.

Her, leaning close to me: "I bought a little sexy something, if you want to see it later."

Him: "Can we see it now?"

Left on the Desktop

Me:  "What time does your flight leave in the morning?"

Her:  "7:30."

"Ugh, that means I have to wake up at, like, 5."

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks.  It's like," (reading from the monitor) "of, pertaining to, involving, or near the anus."

"Huh?"

"What is this?"

"Ohhh...I was looking up something."

"Up what?"

Paying It Forward

"...."

"..ngrruh..?"

"I said, I can't believe that asshole."

"..huunh..?"

"The casino neighbor guy.  He was dragging his garbage bin across the gravel out to the curb at two freaking a.m.  I could hear him over the monitor from the baby's room."

"..eeh..?"

"It woke me up, and now I can't fall asleep."

"..ockaaysh.."

"Are you even listening to me?  Are you even awake?"

Man Wipes?

Us, on travel: "We changed the baby.  Where can we toss the used wipes?"

Them: "Aren't they flushable?  Like my man-wipes?"

How Cold Was It?

Her, driving: "Ugh, who did that?"

"Me, sorry."  I reach toward the window control.

"No!  No, I'd rather just smell it than be cold."

Stuck in the Upright, Locked Position

She stands up. For every occasion. "Okay, naptime." POP. "No, lay down for naptime." POP. "Dammit, stop that." POP. Argh.

I'd just leave her there, but sitting back down is a skill not yet mastered. "Umm...stuck. Legs getting tired. Hello? Losing my grip here. Anyone?"

Give Me a A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

"Anything you want to donate to Good Will before the end of the year?"
"Uhh, sure. Here's a shirt and pants."
"You are not getting rid of that sexy shirt."
"It was my Halloween costume."
"And it's going to be your 'cheerleader' costume on home movie night. Rawr. Go hang it up."

Eeek! Stop That!

"Aww.  Here's Daddy, stumbling in with my bottle for a 6am feeding.  How sweet.  I should do something for him, to make him feel appreciated.  I know!  I'll stroke his nipples lovingly while I suckle the bottle."

You! Alright? I Learned It by Watching You!

"Stop biting your nails, son."

Her Whole New Tack

"You know what I think is sexy?  When you put your DVD cases away."

You Realize You Aren't Saying Anything, Right?

"Ah-Fa-Ba-Na-Ga-Ta-Ma-Da"

Nod understandingly and provide encouraging feedback.  "You don't say.  Well, that is fascinating."

Pain in the Ass

WHUMP!

The wife and I look at each other.  What was that?

Scene:  The Boy's room.  Enter:  Me.  He's sprawled out at an odd angle atop the bow of his boatbed.  "What's up?"

He just lays there, all cool, like, Yeah, I'm just chillin' on this thing here.  "Mommy polished this wood today."

"Yes?"

"It's all slippery."

"Did you fall?"

The embarrasing secret is out.  He starts to cry.  "I hurt my butt."

Hello. May I tickle your nuts?

I was holding the baby against my chest.  We were in Baby Gap.  She was in a good mood.  The women were melting.  One busty young* thing with a sexy thick Castillian accent leans in close.  "Ohhh, hello, aren't you so happy!"

And then she swoops in.  Palm up, gently cupping.... Closer...closer....  It's not often that strange, sober girls just reach in like that.  I actually jumped back a bit, giggling.  What are you grabbin' for there, lady?

She really liked the little shoes.  Ollie'll be wearing them more often.

*"Was she really busty and young?"  "It's my blog...and yes."

Quote of the Day

"I am not making you bacon for a snack."

"Words, words, words."

Verbs, use at your own risk.

"Come go potty."

"What does that mean, Daddy?"

"I don't know."

A Subtle Change

We've reached a point where disappointment has shifted from intangible, "alas, the injustice of the world, boo hoo" to concrete, damnable blame: "You!  You did this!"

Now I See

We met the boy's kindergarten teacher last night.
"Oh, hi, it's so nice to meet you! The TA and I just love what you put in his lunches every day. We think it's hilarious."
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, ha ha."

Later, discretely to the wife: "What do we put in his lunches every day?"
"Raw spinach and whole wheat cous cous. Why?"

It Makes Perfect Sense to Me

Me, smacking my teeth, "Ugh, I don't like this new kind of Cheez-Its you bought. They're all gooey in my teeth."
"Why don't you brush?"
"Because I don't want all this sticky crap in my toothbrush."

It Makes No Sense to Me

I walked in on her pumping something into her bath water.
Me, looking at the bottle, "Did you just put acne wash into the tub?"
"We're out of bubble bath."

Mmm, Baby

Me, scooching close lovingly on the sofa, "Ouch, what did you do to your hand?"
"Hmm? Oh. It must be from my nose." Pause. "What?"
"It would have been infinitely sexier had you said, 'I cut my finger.'"