This is SO Going in My Blog!

"Jason, can you help me find my sunglasses? I'm going crazy looking everywhere. I mean, like, everywhere, except the compost pile."

Creak. Plod plod plod. Hmm. Dig dig.

"Found 'em."

Right there, in the pile. I'm a hero. True story.

Indubitably

"But Daddy, some foods don't make poop."
"No. If it goes in, it has to go out."
"Indeed."
"In...deed?"

In My Mind

Target is morphing into Hazzard County so slowly that we aren't meant to notice. Have you listened to their walkie conversations lately?

"Available cashiers to the front, please."
"Operator, come back."
"Cooter, have you got your ears on?"
"Bo Peep, this is Lost Sheep. That dipstick Cletus is hot on our tail. We'll lose him at the Boar's Nest, there's an overturned hay cart we can jump. Yeee-haw."

*Halfway through this post, I thought maybe I should present my alternative 'CHiPs' theory. "7-Mary-4, do you copy?"

Girl-Inept, but The Wife Still Likes Me for Some Reason

The scene: A female, I don't know why, is chatting me up.
"So, did you do anything exciting this weekend?"
"Uh, no. Just read."
"Ooo, anything good?"

Option 1: The truth! But Polgara the Sorcereress is a sure-fire girl-conversation killer. Go for something else. She looks like a smart, philosophical type. Think!

"The Fountainhead."
"Oh. Isn't that, like, set in the future or something?" Pleasant conversation ends here.

Insert Pac-Man death sound effects.

At Least I've Still Got You

I was listening to the baby screech because, well, that's what was on. An intense, anguished squeal it was.

Me: "You know what it sounds like? You know when the Nazgul are decending on Minas Tirith and--"
Her: "No, I don't." Exit, kitchen right.

Well, anyway, it sounded like that.

Wrong!

When did we buy this lunch meat? Was it before vacation, or after we got back? Surely after.

Observing Jason

Her: "You're prettier in color."

Travel

Me, thinking ahead: "Should we pack some condoms?"
Her: "I packed four."

That's an awfully precise number. Not some. Not a few. Not five-ish. Not a handful. Like jellybeans, some things are just awkward when counted individually.

There's STILL a Placenta in my Fridge!?!

Me: "Dearest?"
Her: "Yes, shnookums?"
"What's this red bio-hazard bag in the freezer?"

Complimentary Ringtones

I saw a web banner, and immediately imagined my own cell phone:

"Hey, gorgeous."
"You are so funny."
"Have you been working out?"

I'd wish more people would call me.

I'm Not Famous Yet

I'm stealing this idea from another blogger who did it a while back, but I thought it was an interesting experiment. So many people have real substance or insight to their writings, whereas my rambling are ... well, the inanity makes me giggle, so that's why I jot it all down. So, it's interesting to see how people accidentally fall into this backwoods mire of the blogoshpere (cue up the Dueling Banjos).

"illusion teatime" - HEY! I'm Google's first hit! *wipes a tear* I realize now that it's because I botched up the Douglas Adams quote. Hooray for me.

"portuganlish" - I'm the only Google hit. Isn't there some sort of contest along those lines? I win! Someone give me a handful of jellybeans.

"sloppy jimbo" - It's weird that I come in above any Simpsons references. Weirder still is the first hit; urbandictionary.com. Quoth the definition: 'The act in which u give a handjob with sloppy joe mix as a lube. As in: Dude Sally gave me a sloppy jimbo lastnight.' (sic) End quote. Words fail me.

"tapping the fishbowl" - probably not what the poor guy was expecting.

And many others that are more or less too boring to mention.

Swim Class

"Ok, who can tell me some good pool rules?"
Not-my-kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "No running."
"Very good. Any others?"
Another not-my-kid raises her hand enthusiastically: "No rough-housing."
"Excellent. Anyone else?"
My kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "I don't have any."
"Oookay. Anyone else?"
Also my kid: "But I did bring goggles!"

Baby Steps

Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Hmm...let's review the options.
Thumb in mouth....

Babies and Stooges, funny in about the same way.

I'm Back, Baby!

I'll ease back into it slowly. Funny quotes that I've come across over the past couple years that I've taken the time to write down:

"Second highest first half revenue for the first time ever!" - on a promotional banner, proudly hanging over the entrance to my work.

"If we can't get this working, we'll be flopping around like a dead fish."
"Dead fish don't flop." - heard in the lab.

"Is [Option A] better than [Option B]?"
"It's hard to say. I'd call it a throw up." - seen in online chat.

"Don't be so hippocratic." - said by some politico blowhard, deriding someone he thought was dumber than him. I think this proved him wrong.

"I got it too. This must be going ever were." - who says engineers aren't good writers? (Some of us are.)

"Please request assistance when pertaining to fish." - just...odd.

"Set goals. You need to be aspirating." - motivational speech. I was motivated to breathe heavier.

Haircut: The Works

Fade in. Establishing shot: The interior of a cheap-ass hair-cutting salon. Aaaand...Action!

Start in tight on the boy getting his haircut. Perfect.

Now, pan upwards to the blonde stylist. You are in the moment, you are cutting hair. Project! Yes, I can feel it, make me feel it.

Pull back. Mom and Dad are there. Good. Good. Uh oh, Dad has noticed something off screen. Pull back. I want suspense, I want drama.

What's this? A fat stylist, non-chalant, at the next station. Give me non-chalant. More non-chalant! Now, pick up that big electric razor. Study it. Now, your arm. Back to the razor in your other hand. Arm again. Now, slowly, slowly the two shall meet, star-crossed lovers at the balcony. Give us lust, give us intensity. Now! Shave that arm!

Yes! That's it. Start with a quick kiss, razor to wrist. Now, lingering. The razor caresses the arm, farther up. Farther. Deeper now, more intent. Thrust! Up, up the arm.

But, you aren't satisfied with mere forearm play. You want it, you want it bad, you fat bitch. Get the elbow! More aggressive. Dig. Right in there, push through every fold, dig through the flabby elbow skin. Nothing may keep the two apart.

Ok, ok, let's cool things off a bit. Bring us back to the moment. Quick dissolve to the blonde stylist. And....

"Ermmm. Are you...on the clock?"
"Neh. Still on my lunch." Don't break the moment. Keep shaving!
"Uhhh, could you go to the back room and...change the radio station, please?" I love the subtlety!
"In a sec."

Back to the heat! Arm up, over your head, shave that tricky underside! Yes! Yes! Go! Do it! Yes!

And I'm spent. Let's wipe ourselves down with that little brush. Leisurely, give me more leisure. Yes, up and down each arm. Don't forget the breasts. Your stubbly has certainly mussied your breasts. That's it. Yeah.

And now: Back to business. Call your next customer! "Dennis?"

Dennis, give us a little start. That's it, yes. Show us, make us know. Look around. You want desperately to be somewhere else.

And, scene.

Isn't It Like Tapping on a Fishbowl?

"Do you want to feel the baby move?"

Quality Time with the Wife

"Remember four months ago when your soup exploded in the microwave and you didn't clean it up?"
"I have been sooo farty lately. Not stinky-farty, just air-farty. Do you know what I mean?"
"Are my nipples leaking?"

What's on YOUR Nightstand?

"Have you seen my vibrator anywhere?"
"No."
"Oh, here it is. Next to the peanut butter."

Education

"I got the question today, about how the baby got in my tummy."
"Oh?"
"I told him: Daddy and I humped really hard."
"You told him what?"
"Daddy and I hugged really hard."
"Ooohhhh."
"What did you think I said?"

We Can Dance, But We Don't Want To

I was listening to Safety Dance -- because you can't not listen to Safety Dance when it is on -- and I decided: I would, in fact, love to surprise someone with a victory cry. HAH! I WIN!