We Can Dance, But We Don't Want To

I was listening to Safety Dance -- because you can't not listen to Safety Dance when it is on -- and I decided: I would, in fact, love to surprise someone with a victory cry. HAH! I WIN!

Time is an Illusion, Teatime Doubly So

I had a meeting at 9:30. I emaild everyone and said, "can we push it forward to 10:00?"

Apparently everyone showed up at 9:00 and discussed how rude it was for me to move a meeting and then not show up. Their side of the story? "You said 'forward'."

Things You Don't Know

"Honey, I need a new bar of soap."

"It's here in the -- ugh, you smell like ass."

"Well, in a few short minutes, I hope to smell more like Lever 2000. And shampoo. Conditioner. That oatmeal gunk you put on your face that you don't think I use but I do sometimes because frankly it makes my boys minty-tingly."

"What?"

"Nothing."

How Is Your Lab Work Going, Jason?

Lord Dark Helmet said it best: "Fuck! Even in the future nothing works."

Whatever, Freak

"Daddy, I'm hungry."
"Ok, let's make some grilled cheeses. Does that sound good?"
"Uh. No. Let's have apples and soy milk."
"You spend too much time with Mommy."

Cravings?

"Oh! Can we go to the steakhouse for dinner?"
"Ok, sure."
------
"Hi, can I just have a side salad, please?"
???

A Night's Adventure

"Smoke Detector 2, this is Smoke Detector 1. Do you copy?"
"Roger. It is nearly dawn."
"Affirmative. We are GO for Operation: Meaningless Annoyances."
"Very well. Begin Phase 1."
CHIRP
"Note the subject seems confused. Is he dreaming? His eyes close, he begins to drift off again."
CHIRP
"At this point the subject realizes the stimulus is real. And he thinks he may be able to sleep through it."
CHIRP
"Ah, an expletive. Write that down, we'll look it up later. Aha! He's up. Begin Phase 2: Misdirection. Note how the high-pitched wail echos off the walls as he searches for the source."
CHIRP
"Where is he going?"
"Ahh, young one, you have much to learn. We have strategicially placed ourselves just out of reach. And the step ladder is in the garage."
"Ooo. Brilliantly inconvenient."
"Indeed."
"Here he is. Why the limp?"
"I suspect he stubbed his toe. Rather badly, I should say."
CHIRP
"He's got a firm grip on Detector 2. They are going down! The battery is removed. O! those poor bastards."
"Let's have a moment's silence in rememberance."
"He's back in bed."
"Wait for it."
"Ready for Phase 3?"
"Wait for it."
CHIRP
"More expletives incoming."
"Got 'em."
"Ha! He's accidentally woken the gestating female. Enjoy the fireworks."

Animal, He Has Become

He's crazy as a muppet on his new drum kit.

Some chains, crazy hair, throw in a growled "WO-MAN!" Can You Picture That, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

Maybe some rhythm too. "Be a better drummer / Be an up and comer / Can you picture that?"

Oh, man, now that's going to be in my head all day.

Movin' Right Along.... aww, damn.

Baby Names: In-Law's Opinions

The Wife: "What do you guys think of -----?"
Her Dad: "I like Ann."

Baby Names: Parent's Opinions

"Don't pick one that's so hard to pronounce."

Baby Names: Teacher's Opinions

"Sometimes when I'm writing The Boy's name on his artwork, I have to stop and think how to spell it. Is the next one going to be easier?"

Girl Shopping

I am freaked out by little girls' clothes. They are all frilly. They all say something dumb. It's a shirt, not a get well card. "Little Diva." "Crib Queen." "Someday My Prince Will Come." Blech.

Claude Shannon tells us that given a statistical spread of possible messages, the most information is transferred when the message is least expected. (I googled around forever trying to find a concise quote, but you'll just have to deal with my paraphrasing.)

Therefore, if it absolutely must say something, I want my little girl to wear a shirt that says something totally whacked out. Where do I find those?

----

Browsing around with the wife. You can only wander so far before you get out of the infant girls' stuff and into the older girls' stuff. She holds up a teeny blue bra thing that someday my daughter could be wearing. Creepy.

"This is the size I was wearing when we met," she says. Had there been a window nearby I would have screamed and leapt out. Seriously? How? In the dozen years I've known you, we progressed from that to the water balloon launchers laying about my bedroom?

Skeletor Rising

We got one of those 4-D color sonogram movies done. Ewww. She's much cuter in grainy black-and-white. Hope she gets over it.

An Innocent Statement

Watching the sonogram, baby's mouth is opening and closing. "Isn't that cute? She's practicing swallowing. Ow - what? Ohhh."

The Wonders of the Pregnant Brain

She's walking around in her underwear looking confused.

"What's up?"
"I had some pants on a minute ago."

It's...uhmm...Gonna be a Girl

We zoomed way, way, indecently way in to be sure. Couldn't have been more clear had she been sporting big ol hooters and a bundle of shopping bags. Definitely el feminito. Er...la femina. Portuganlish, oui.

A girl? Why did no one see this coming? Except for that one crazy lady at work, who said she thought I would be perfect for a girl's father, as I was -- and these are her words, not mine -- a girly man.

Suddenly, visions of buying gifts for my kids went from, "Hey Pops, will you buy me this kick-ass bass guitar?" to "Daddy, I reallyreallyreally need this Bratz vomitpink playset with prosti-tot accessories." Shudder.

I'm gonna be a horrible dad for a girl. Her only hope is if she happens to grow up as a lesbian goth chick.

"Daddy, can I have some money for these hella cool pink strappy sandals with sparklie bling 'hot stuff' lettering bedazzled on the sides?" Fuuuuuck no.

"Yo, I need some dough for black nail polish and an 'eat me' t-shirt." Here's a fifty, Pumpkin. Treat your friends to something nice too.

The More Direct Approach

"Mommy has a baby in her tummy. You're going to be a big brother."
"Oh, wow."
"Yep, isn't it exciting."
"Uh huh. How many minutes?"
"Well, it's going to be a while."
"Tomorrow?"

Breaking the News, Another Subtle Try

"Take a look at this."
"My baby bed?"
"Yep. This crib isn't getting much use lately. I bet we could find someone who would like to use it."
"The cats sleep in it."
Gonna be a tough nut to crack.

Breaking the News, Attempt 1

"Hey, G, come here a sec."
"What, Daddy?"
"Would you like a little baby in the house?"
"No. I already have Baby Elephant. And NotBob."
Hmm....

Deja Vu

The Wife: "So, can I just bitch about something for a second?"
"What is it you've been doing?"