Cougarman!

Sounds like a superhero, looks like an old asian dude on a trikey-scooter swooshing through Tiburon.

Selective Perceptions

Her: "I try to pretend that urinals don't exist."

Knitting Your Way to a Finer Ass

Sitting outside JoAnn in Corte Madera is like sitting outside a fitness club.

Hot, healthy female bodies in spandex coming and going.  Just have to ignore the 50 and 60 year old faces atop most of those bodies.

Carmel-by-the-Sea

My random old man voice: "Let us go make out on the beach at sunset!"
Her: "I love that you chose his voice for that."
"Whose voice?"
"Sean Connery."

PCH: Pacific Coast Headaches

From the backseat, all the way down the costal road to Big Sur:

C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Roar!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Me, to H: It's like a knock knock joke that I just don't get.

New Mexican in a Strange Land

Are we in Santa Cruces yet?

Roadtripping as a Dude

You never really need to pee.  You just figure, well, she's gone six times, and I haven't really touched my penis in a while, so why not?

Sex and Candy

The Girl is borrowing our bathroom because she has to poop and the boys are in hers:

"Daddy!"
"Yes?  What?"
Conspiratorially: "I think Mommy has been sneaking candy!"
She points out the plethora of colorful wadded-up condoms in the bathroom trash.
"Those aren't...yeah."

Little Girl Humor

"Why did the squirrel look down his pants?"

Why?

"He was looking for his nuts!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Bustier Night

Holiday drinking with the dudes at the bar:

"Man, I haven't been to this bar since, like, last year, with you guys."
"That's because you're not a biker, man.  Only bikers come here."
"I could be."
"I was here yesterday."
"Yesterday?"
"Are you a biker?"
"Why?"
"It was bikini night."
All: "AWESOME!"
Drink.

"Did any of you guys go see The Hobbit?"
"Not yet.  It's gonna rock."
"Well, not like Lord of the Rings."
"Totally."
"They split it into three movies.  This one only covers, like, the first seven chapters."
"Isn't that about how long it took the dwarves to fucking show up and eat?"
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"Oh, man, when my wife took me to Twilight -"
"That's bullshit."
"- and the preview for The Hobbit came on, I was all like 'I'm taking you to that shit!'"
"Are you gonna?"
"Right, cause she'd totally go."
"That's bullshit."
"Totally, but that fight scene, right?"
"That was cool."
"Right, but man, I was sitting on the toilet and the book was right there and I was gonna be a while, so I flip to the end to check out that fight."
"It's not even in there, man!"
"It's all like talking and hugging and shit."
"I know!"
"That's bullshit!"
"I know!"
Drink.

"I'm gonna be forty tomorrow, guys."
"Happy Birthday, man."
"Congrats."
"Getting old?"
"I've had to start using that stinky ointment shit on all the sore places."
"That's my cologne these days, man."
"You ever get that shit on your nuts?"
"What?"
"Why, were your nuts sore?"
"Dude, why would you put it on your nuts?"
"It was an accident, I was rubing it in -"
"On your nuts."
"- on my leg!"
"Right."
"You ever been peeling pepper seeds and then get that shit on your nuts?  That's worse."
"That's bullshit."
"Why is it that you have enough first-hand experience to compare the two?"
"It was an accident."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"So, yeah, so I'm apparently old enough to go to the store by myself to buy tampons."
"They card you?"
"Dude, I have this great blog post about going to fucking WallMart three times one night for that shit."
"What the hell?"
"You record that shit online?"
"You assholes are gonna get the shit blogged out of you."
"It's all confusing, with all the color-coding and shit."
"That's bullshit."
"Here's some toilet paper.  Roll your own."
"What the fuck, I'm just gonna get her some Depends next time."
"'Get me wings, asshole!'"
"Yeah, and that."
"Tampons don't have wings."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

iPad Skillz

The seventeen month old just tried to 'swipe' away my televised election coverage.

Word of the Day

"How come we can't find the hair gel, Daddy?  That is totally lame, Daddy.  Doesn't Target sell it?  Don't you think that is lame?  Maybe it's in another aisle.  No?  How lame.  How long have we been looking, Daddy?  That is so lame.  Maybe we should ask someone who works in this lame store?  Daddy, why are we leaving?  Did we find it?  Lame!"

Exeunt father and daughter.

Sugar and Space

The Girl is chalking up the sidewalk.

Whatcha drawing?

"Strawberries."

Oh.  That's a little out of charac-

"...attacking a TIE fighter."

There she is.

Someone's Last-Minute Christmas List

A pair of Stompeez, a Snuggie, and a Shake-Weight.

If you get these from me this holiday season, I must not like you very much.  Sorry.

Milestone

After a very brief lesson, we're now keen on walking with the push toy. Haven't figured out steering, yet.

Putting blankie in the toy shopping cart and pushing it around is pure gold.

Allergy Note

J: Do not eat salmon if you wish to live.
Also avoid Chamomile. Itchy ears. Sounds fun, but not.
And what the hell did Dions put in their fruit that one time? Ouch.

C: Avoid eating...uh, basically anything. Poor guy.

At Meteor Crater

Floor Nugget

Noun
A lump of something, as of chicken, that has surpassed the five-second rule.
Usage: "You can't eat floor nugget!"
Origin: The Girl

Oh, yeah, and the big hole in the ground was pretty cool too. Easily came in second most amusing event of the day.

Snake Guy Sighting #2

Tam Junction Starbucks, this time.

Still trying to pick up high-class chicks with his snakes.

I do hope he gets some.

Ah-Da!

The youngest is entralled by his new-found ability to articulate when any activity or meal should be immediately ceased.

All done!

All the World's a Candy Store, He's Been Trick or Treating

There was a snake guy at the elite-ish Italian pastry place in Greenbrae.

The kids loved it.

The biddies did not.

What Are We Looking At?

I think it's terribly awkward when an ugly girl wears a shirt with a hot chick on it.

Don't Pee On Me, Bro!

Fort Cronkhite, walking the beach. Wiggly toddler in one arm, a bunch of other crap in the other. I can't see whe my feet are.

"Argh, Mother! My foot! What the shit was that?"
"Ooh, a jellyfish. Don't touch it."

Stabbin' 4 Jesus

Three big dudes walking menacingly toward me in Concord. Big dudes. Shaved heads. Dark, skinny sunglasses. Bling swinging to and fro.

They laughed when I said I was destined to get stabbed in California. Laughed!

"Excuse me, Sir?"
Well, at least the gents were going to be polite about it.
Resigned to my fate: "Yes?"
"We'd like you to have this pamphlet. God bless you."

On Loan

On travel, working from the hotel room.

"Crud, my calculator died."
The Wife: "What kind of batteries?"
"Three triple-A."
"I have four, but I'll need them back later tonight."

Another Lecture

"Daddy, see how this pattern is black with red?"
"Sure."
"It's like Darth Maul."
"Huh.  Okay."
"Daddy, he's a bad guy in Star Wars."
"Huh.  Okay."

How Many Dads Must Ask This Question?

"Whose poop is this?"

Playing One Against the Other...Badly

"Mommy, can I have hot chocolate? Daddy said no."

Fun With Calis

Step 1: Make an offhanded mention of how LA and the Bay are essentially the same place.

Step 2: Enjoy the fireworks.

Step 3: Profit!

Don't Put That There

I confused a neti pot with a diva cup in casual conversation today.

Dissn' Dat

"I snoozed and losed."

"Are you sure that's not 'snost and lost'?"

Fun With Initials

C J

C J P P

P P, J, P P

Heh, sorry, son.

Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Satisfied

Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."

"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."

"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"

And she was piii-issed.

Close to What?

The Girl forgot to put her little seat on the toilet, and I watched her fall.

...all the way in.

I pulled her out by her ankles.

"Whoa," said she, giggling. "That was close."

Luv My Croutons

The adults at the table have received their salads.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I have some of your croutons?"

"No, you may not. Ask your father."

Crap.

"Daddy?"

"Yesss...?"

"May I have some of Mommy's croutons?"

"Yes, you may. Thank you for asking so politely."

Yay!

This is How I Imagine It

"Come here and feel the baby kick."

I felt something small roll across my palm. "Eww, he licked me."

Road Trip 2010

3675 miles.

RI, MA, NH, VT, ME, CT, NY, NJ, PA, DE, MD, VA, WV, KY, IN, IL, MO, OK, TX, NM.

With sightseeing stops in:

RI: Ocean Drive Mansions

Boston: USS Constitution, Shopping

Braintree, MA: Shopping -- Lego Store!

Portsmouth, NH: USS Albacore, Shopping, Tugboat Sightseeing

Maine: LL Bean, Eartha, Kittery Outlets

NYC: Empire State Building, 5th Avenue, Rockefeller Center

Washington, DC: Air & Space Museum, White House, Landmarks

Philly: Cheesesteak (meh)

Louisville, KY: Spaghetti Factory

St. Louis: Gateway Arch

Cheeky

"Are you excited to ride the train to New York?"

"Thomas!"

"Uh, no."

"Percy!"

"No, a different kind."

"Diesel?"

Reproducing Like (As?) Rabbits, or: Fudds Like Us

"Is the baby in Mommy's tummy a boy or a girl?"

"It's a bunny wabbit!"

She sticks out her tummy. "Mine's a duck."

MTV's '2.5 and Pregnant'

"Daddy, the baby in my tummy wants ice cream."

I look pointedly at The Wife. "She gets this from you."

Lessons From Big Bro

"Butt ass tushie."

"No, just tushie."

"Butt ass tushie!"

I Heard This Second Hand

"Mommy, where's my freakin' Daddy?"

Dear Santa:

"Daddy, I need foobies."

"Foobies?"
"And a bra."

Perception

Me, to the Girl: "Stop whining at me!"

The Wife: "You need to talk to her like she's a woman."

"I am."

My Stupid Small-Town Upbringing

Her: "Remember in high school when all the girls would dye their pubes, like, bright pink or red and then run around showing everybody?"

"No, I do not."

What's In Your "Head"?

She's listening to Miser's Zombie:

"We should add this to our Angry Sex mix."

You Heard Me

"How's your wife doing?"

"She pees and cries a lot. That's how she is."

Treasure!

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I can't find kitty, but I did find barf."

What Were We Talking About, Again?

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I don't like that thing in your pants."

Amateur Gardening Hour

"Those weeds look just like our garden."

Not Getting One

Another rehearsal in her room (...or, Why the Baby Monitor Amuses Us So).

"I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"Daddeee, I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"I...don't have a t.v. in MY room."

Rehearsal

Heard over the baby monitor (she thought she was alone):

"Whatever."

"What-ever."

"WhatEVER."

"What.Ever."

"What?Ever!"

Facebook Ditty

I received a Facebook entreat

From someone I hardly did meet

I confirmed the profile

And sat with a smile

For I knew I was in for a treat

His avatar started the fun

An image to show everyone

"What pose should I strike

To elicit a 'Like'?"

So he's photographed holding a gun

Friends number in the hundreds or more

Under 'Sex' it simply reads: 'Sure'

Education's left blank

Religion's appallingly frank

And I daren't repeat 'Looking For'

"My past is perhaps slightly checkered

But I think it's all good with my Shepherd

I have no life plan

Though high school was grand

Facebook didn't leave room for arrest record"

He's been spreading his seed all around

Unclothed brats roving all over town

I wanted to write

To his dear latest wife

"Would it make sense to put the dick down?"

Ignoring all social taboos

Espousing idealistic views

"Every one of you guys

Lean too far to one side"

We know where he gets his political news

He didn't know that words juxtaposed

Can provide us with humorous prose

Well I felt really bad

When he said he Teabagged

So I suggested he breathe through his nose

"My country's going up into flames

With tolerance mostly to blame"

His words are so vile

And writing infantile

That everything's misspelled but his name

Homophones: 'their' is not what he meant

Colloquial: 'wanna' is just too strident

Punctuation is for the bees

Subject and verb don't agree

Leaving plenty of room for improvement

His wall continues the trend

Attacks and snide comments without end

You may 'Like' or 'Ignore'

But I had opened the door

I now shut with one click: 'Unfriend'

Daddy, I Don't Eat Cheerios

"Yippee! My bran!"

20% Funnier

"Oh, who do we have here?"

"It's baby."
"Yeah? Baby who? Baby Pony?"

"No. Baby...Undee-pants! Ha-ha-ha!"

Talkin' Smack

Sitting on a swing set with The Girl in my lap. Another girl, four-ish, eyeing me suspiciously, head tilted to one side, sits on the swing next to us.

"You're not going very high."

"Yeah."

The other girl's head cocks to the other side.

"You should pump your legs like a big girl to go faster."

"Thank you."

Subliminal Nerd

The perfect domestic scene: The Wife, in the kitchen, making French Toast and humming...the Imperial March.

Mad About the Boy

She finally found the confidence to use The Boy's name in everyday conversation. And it is a great, all-purpose word for accusations of all sorts.

She storms in, points through the walls at the boy, and gives me an exasperated: "Gwaam!"

"What's the problem?"

"Gwaam!"

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

No Time to Say Hello, Goodbye. I'm Late!

National Masturbation Month already started! And here I am working in the yard on a Saturday. Pshaw!

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four

"This shit's low-fat!"

"Eh?"

"I thought it was non-fat!"

Evidence of Onesies

The Girl's first self potty use.

The Wife: "There's pee in the baby potty!"

Me: "Cool."

"Do you think it's hers?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it's The Boy messing with us. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it hit the target."

Not Much Notice

"Hey, does the cat seem a bit out of sorts to you?"

RIP Tinker-Belle, ~11/2001 - 4/12/2010

Mmm, Number Two

In an effort to keep them away from the children, we've (for some reason I don't know) been keeping the Easter Peeps, M&Ms, and Jelly Bellys next to the master toilet.

Dropping the kids off at the pool has never been such a treat.

I Call Shenanigans

She's standing in her crib, full-length footie jammies around her ankles, holding her diaper proudly.

"Why did you take your diaper off?"

Innocently: "[It] fall down."

Porking Pens, Banging Bics, Ultra-Fine Flings, Writing Utensils Gone Wild

The secret to pen reproduction:

I can never, ever find a pen when I need one in the moment.

If, however, I remove a pen from atop my keyboard -- always in that empty space between the function keys and the number row -- and set it directly next to the keyboard, an entirely new pen will magically appear in the very same spot, the very next day, only to be set next to its friend next to my keyboard.

There are, at this very moment right now synchronize-your-watches-aaand-mark, exactly six writing utensils next to my keyboard. One black, one red, one orange Crayola washable, and three pencils.

Women!

Whoopie, Gifts!

"I'm really sick, but we can have birthday while-I-lay-there sex."

It's Virtual

The little one discovered my Dragon Age dog. That was the most exciting thing to happen all week. She's just a little obsessed with them, for some reason.

"Dog! Haha! Dog!"

Another Conversation I Had at Some Point

"How's that new beer taste?"

"It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

Wisdom of Miguel

This happened years ago, but it needs to be documented:

"You're going tubing down the Salt River? It'd be easier just to invite your three best friends over to pee on you."

Soft Apples

"I can't eat my Spaghettios. It hurts my loose tooth."

"Okay, we'll save them for later. Where's your apple?"

"I ate it."

Look How Far I Can Count!

"NINE!"

Last week it was a triumphant "EIGHT!" Usually with a couple omissions. At least she's excited.

Parents Just Don't Understand

"Dada?"

"Yeah?"

"Airplane!"

"Yes?"

"Airplane fly!"

"Uh, sure."

"No, Dada. Airplane! Fly! Fly!!!"

"Okay."

"Ugh!"

And she stormed off.

Not Gonna Make It

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 1. The finite-depth FIFO.

"Oh, Honey, I desperately need tampons. Can you go out and get some?"

"Ugh, ok. Tampons."

"Here, use this cash. And get yourself something, too."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me."

"And pick up the photos for school while you're there."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me. Photos for school."

"Oh! And Hot Tomales!"

"Cash. Something for me. Photos for school. Hot Tomales. No problem, I'll be right back."

To the store!

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 2. Slightly later than I intended.

"Good night, Honey. Oh, where did you put the tampons?"

"The wha-? DAMMIT!"

To the store!

Hm. Which kind did she want? I thought she said this one...but I thought she wanted that color. FUKIT, I'm buying them all.

Taking off the pants for bed, Take 3. Not going to the office early, after all.

"Oh, thank you, Honey. I love you."

"We won't need tampons for a while. I stocked up."

"What do you mean?"
"Nothing. Good night."

Firsts

"Yay, sushi!"

"Olive more, Dad."

For Miguel

I had Jack in the Box for the first time today. It didn't taste at all like kangaroo meat.

Specifics

"Cea-ol!"

"Cereal?"

"Yay!"

"Ok, I'll make you some Cheerios."

"No! Cea-ol!"

"Raisin Bran?"

"Yay!"

Oh My

Awesome recent episodes:

(It may be that certain people are putting me on, but a little ignorance never hurt anyone)

Me, at a party: "So, what are you girls chattering about?"

"We were just comparing notes on our lesbian tendencies."

Me, at home: "Who was that on the phone?"

"Soandso. She likes to call me while she's in a bubble bath and ask if I can hear her splashing around."

Galileo. Mimi-mi-mi.

Educating the boy on some Youtube'd Bohemian Rhapsody:

Him: "Daddy, play the real one."

Me: "This is the real one."

"No, the one with the Muppets."

Giggles and Tears

Dropping your balloon and watching it float away in the Trader Joe's parking lot is the most awesome and crappiest thing ever.

I Hate Everybody

If you ain't Mommy, then you ain't shit.

If you are Mommy, then you are.

That Counts As One

"I am interested in lots of things. Monsters, Vampires, Were Animals... can not narrow it down to fit it in a box."

Facebookers.

Opportunities

Me, staring into the fridge: "I can't find the cheese."

She reaches past me and pulls out the cheese.

"You'd better hope this engineering gig pans out, because you'll never make it as a domestic goddess."

Just Trying

The Wife meets me in the driveway and immediately hands The Girl off to me.

Exasperated tone: "She wants you. I want her to want you."

Me, singing along: "Do you...need her to need me?"

But sometimes my cheerful demeanor isn't contagious.

Articulacy

"Da, die eew" = Father, I've soiled my current diaper. May I have another?

Messin' With the Boy

"Daddy, I actually have a lot of girlfriends."

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yeah, there's..." and he proceeds to lay like seven or eight names on me. Way to go, boy. Time to knock you down a peg.

"So, you kissed any of them yet?"

Drawn-out silence.

"Daddy...I'm uhh...I'm not really into that kind of thing."

Note to Future Jason

Dear Jason,

Kindly dispose of 40-something pound pumpkins prior to November 12. They may crumble in your hands, drenching your shirt, pants, and shoes in sticky, foul smelling, black and orange chunks of rotten pumpkin barf.

You'll thank me.

Piercee-s, Or...How I Got My Feminine Ch'i

So, the family was getting some body piercings, just casually. "What shall we do with our Sunday?" "Freak out the squares?" "Ok. I'll load up the kids."

The Wife was up first, laying on the table, the dude flexing arms as he jammed this three-inch, heavy gauge bar through her. For the record, it counts as piercings twelve AND thirteen according to her. Squeezing out a couple big-headed kiddos apparently makes it easier to man up to this sort of thing.

Then I was up. I made some nervous chit-chat while our overly-decorated guy laid out some implements of pain and a cotton swab. "It definitely has a Feminine Ch'i, and that's just awesome," he opined. "I would totally get one, but my anatomy isn't right."

Suuure.

Bed Time Progress

"Aren't you done brushing your teeth yet?"

"I've almost started."

If This Door's a-Knockin'

Don't come to my door unannounced. I may just answer in goldfish jammie bottoms, spare tire, mild hangover, and Feminine Ch'i* all just hanging out there. And then we'll both be embarrassed.

*Stay tuned.

18 Months

She has a bunch of words, but a good chunk of what she says amounts to...Fuck You.

Lovelace Doctors: Well, What *Do* You Do, Then?

At the LOVELACE WOMENS' HOSPITAL. Let me emphasise that. The Lovelace...WOMENS' HOSPITAL. The stage is set....

Lovelace Patient: "I have a question about breast-feeding, can I talk to an OB or a Lactation Consultant?"

Lovelace Professional: "Erm...we're not sure how to contact them."

Why Engineers are Smarter Than Lovelace Doctors

When probing someone's abdomen for tender spots, a patient reacts with "OWW."

An engineer would troubleshoot and find the cause.

A Lovelace doctor would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't poke you there anymore," and leave the room.

True story (I have lots of these...it may be a new theme of mine....)

You Laugh, and Then You Feel Bad

Mr. Putter & Tabby are just awesome. In tonight's book, Mr. Putter's neighbor talks him into running a marathon. "It's a senior marathon," said Mrs. Teaberry. "Nothing but old people!"

"Chapter 4: Everybody passed Mr. Putter. Everybody except two people. Two people who tripped and fell and never got up."

I don't know why we laughed. But we did. Poor old people.

Well the Times Are Getting Hard for You, Little Girl

I was sitting on my guitar stool hammering out some Great White, when a certain little someone, carrying certain little purple shoes, comes in, drops them at the bottom of my stool, looks up at me, and says, "Out." It's not a suggestion, not a demand, just a 'we're doing this, so you might as well get started.'

I Tawt I Taw Titty Tatts

So, there's this 'water feature'...spurting...and a chick...getting spurted on.... You can't not notice these things.

Her shirt got wet. She fluttered the front to dry her chest. And there was an impressive amount of ink.

These Showers Don't Bring May Flowers

The Setting: 4th of July weekend barbeque.

The Players: Lots of adults, lots of kids.

The Props: Beef, Beer, Brats, and of course, fireworks of every sort.

The tagline: "Hey, Daddy, can I try a Golden Shower?"

"wha-? heeheehee Wh-What did you say?" (giggle)

The lettering, bold on the side of this firework, big capital letters: "THE GOLDEN SHOWER"

Everyone is calmly and ponderously checking out the crazy Jason. Crazy Jason is wiping beer from his nostrils and tears from his eyes. "Does no one else think this is hilarious?"

"What's wrong with that guy?" "I dunno. But keep him away from the guac. Ew."

Dumb Shit We Sing To The Kids At Bedtime

Jam-mies. Jam-mies.

And I hope you like jammies too.

We're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies.

Hope you like jammies too.