Another Lecture

"Daddy, see how this pattern is black with red?"
"Sure."
"It's like Darth Maul."
"Huh.  Okay."
"Daddy, he's a bad guy in Star Wars."
"Huh.  Okay."

How Many Dads Must Ask This Question?

"Whose poop is this?"

Playing One Against the Other...Badly

"Mommy, can I have hot chocolate? Daddy said no."

Fun With Calis

Step 1: Make an offhanded mention of how LA and the Bay are essentially the same place.

Step 2: Enjoy the fireworks.

Step 3: Profit!

Don't Put That There

I confused a neti pot with a diva cup in casual conversation today.

Dissn' Dat

"I snoozed and losed."

"Are you sure that's not 'snost and lost'?"

Fun With Initials

C J

C J P P

P P, J, P P

Heh, sorry, son.

Living the Dream

Ok, so I think I've got this routine figured out.

This guy is going to change me, during which time I have oh-point-five seconds in which to pee on him -- timed precisely between the removal of soiled diaper and application of fresh one.

Got him.

Then he's going to hand me off to that soft lady who feeds me.

Mmm, soft.

Sugar, Spice, and Poo

"Oh boy, new toothpaste! I can't wait to see what color it turns my poops!"

Satisfied

Her bedroom door opens. A pink pajama-clad rage marches up to me and thrusts out her toy clock for me to behold.

"It's not bedtime yet, Daddy! See?"

Two things, dear girl: 1) it's a toy, and 2) you can't tell time.

"Uh, that is inaccurate. Let me show you." I put the hands in their correct location. "This is what time it is."

"Oh, ok." And she shuffles happily back to bed.

'Twas Just a Little Homer

"Daddy, you're sitting on Blankie."

"Oh, my. Now it has an ass-groove."

"NOOOO! I don't want it to have an ass-groove, Daddy! Get off!"

And she was piii-issed.

Close to What?

The Girl forgot to put her little seat on the toilet, and I watched her fall.

...all the way in.

I pulled her out by her ankles.

"Whoa," said she, giggling. "That was close."

Luv My Croutons

The adults at the table have received their salads.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Love?"

"May I have some of your croutons?"

"No, you may not. Ask your father."

Crap.

"Daddy?"

"Yesss...?"

"May I have some of Mommy's croutons?"

"Yes, you may. Thank you for asking so politely."

Yay!

This is How I Imagine It

"Come here and feel the baby kick."

I felt something small roll across my palm. "Eww, he licked me."

Road Trip 2010

3675 miles.

RI, MA, NH, VT, ME, CT, NY, NJ, PA, DE, MD, VA, WV, KY, IN, IL, MO, OK, TX, NM.

With sightseeing stops in:

RI: Ocean Drive Mansions

Boston: USS Constitution, Shopping

Braintree, MA: Shopping -- Lego Store!

Portsmouth, NH: USS Albacore, Shopping, Tugboat Sightseeing

Maine: LL Bean, Eartha, Kittery Outlets

NYC: Empire State Building, 5th Avenue, Rockefeller Center

Washington, DC: Air & Space Museum, White House, Landmarks

Philly: Cheesesteak (meh)

Louisville, KY: Spaghetti Factory

St. Louis: Gateway Arch

Cheeky

"Are you excited to ride the train to New York?"

"Thomas!"

"Uh, no."

"Percy!"

"No, a different kind."

"Diesel?"

Reproducing Like (As?) Rabbits, or: Fudds Like Us

"Is the baby in Mommy's tummy a boy or a girl?"

"It's a bunny wabbit!"

She sticks out her tummy. "Mine's a duck."

MTV's '2.5 and Pregnant'

"Daddy, the baby in my tummy wants ice cream."

I look pointedly at The Wife. "She gets this from you."

Lessons From Big Bro

"Butt ass tushie."

"No, just tushie."

"Butt ass tushie!"

I Heard This Second Hand

"Mommy, where's my freakin' Daddy?"

Dear Santa:

"Daddy, I need foobies."

"Foobies?"
"And a bra."

Perception

Me, to the Girl: "Stop whining at me!"

The Wife: "You need to talk to her like she's a woman."

"I am."

My Stupid Small-Town Upbringing

Her: "Remember in high school when all the girls would dye their pubes, like, bright pink or red and then run around showing everybody?"

"No, I do not."

What's In Your "Head"?

She's listening to Miser's Zombie:

"We should add this to our Angry Sex mix."

You Heard Me

"How's your wife doing?"

"She pees and cries a lot. That's how she is."

Treasure!

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I can't find kitty, but I did find barf."

What Were We Talking About, Again?

"Daddy."

"Yes?"

"I don't like that thing in your pants."

Amateur Gardening Hour

"Those weeds look just like our garden."

Not Getting One

Another rehearsal in her room (...or, Why the Baby Monitor Amuses Us So).

"I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"Daddeee, I don't have a t.v. in my room."

"I...don't have a t.v. in MY room."

Rehearsal

Heard over the baby monitor (she thought she was alone):

"Whatever."

"What-ever."

"WhatEVER."

"What.Ever."

"What?Ever!"

Facebook Ditty

I received a Facebook entreat

From someone I hardly did meet

I confirmed the profile

And sat with a smile

For I knew I was in for a treat

His avatar started the fun

An image to show everyone

"What pose should I strike

To elicit a 'Like'?"

So he's photographed holding a gun

Friends number in the hundreds or more

Under 'Sex' it simply reads: 'Sure'

Education's left blank

Religion's appallingly frank

And I daren't repeat 'Looking For'

"My past is perhaps slightly checkered

But I think it's all good with my Shepherd

I have no life plan

Though high school was grand

Facebook didn't leave room for arrest record"

He's been spreading his seed all around

Unclothed brats roving all over town

I wanted to write

To his dear latest wife

"Would it make sense to put the dick down?"

Ignoring all social taboos

Espousing idealistic views

"Every one of you guys

Lean too far to one side"

We know where he gets his political news

He didn't know that words juxtaposed

Can provide us with humorous prose

Well I felt really bad

When he said he Teabagged

So I suggested he breathe through his nose

"My country's going up into flames

With tolerance mostly to blame"

His words are so vile

And writing infantile

That everything's misspelled but his name

Homophones: 'their' is not what he meant

Colloquial: 'wanna' is just too strident

Punctuation is for the bees

Subject and verb don't agree

Leaving plenty of room for improvement

His wall continues the trend

Attacks and snide comments without end

You may 'Like' or 'Ignore'

But I had opened the door

I now shut with one click: 'Unfriend'

Daddy, I Don't Eat Cheerios

"Yippee! My bran!"

20% Funnier

"Oh, who do we have here?"

"It's baby."
"Yeah? Baby who? Baby Pony?"

"No. Baby...Undee-pants! Ha-ha-ha!"

Talkin' Smack

Sitting on a swing set with The Girl in my lap. Another girl, four-ish, eyeing me suspiciously, head tilted to one side, sits on the swing next to us.

"You're not going very high."

"Yeah."

The other girl's head cocks to the other side.

"You should pump your legs like a big girl to go faster."

"Thank you."

Subliminal Nerd

The perfect domestic scene: The Wife, in the kitchen, making French Toast and humming...the Imperial March.

Mad About the Boy

She finally found the confidence to use The Boy's name in everyday conversation. And it is a great, all-purpose word for accusations of all sorts.

She storms in, points through the walls at the boy, and gives me an exasperated: "Gwaam!"

"What's the problem?"

"Gwaam!"

Lay That Pipe

Yard work with with The Boy, reaching into trenches to install the sprinkler system.

"...and cement on the male end, put them together, and we're done with that one."

"Male?"

"The male pipe and the female coupler fit together...like this, see?"

"Oh, the male goes inside."

"Yep."

"And the female just lays there, right?"

"More or less."

No Time to Say Hello, Goodbye. I'm Late!

National Masturbation Month already started! And here I am working in the yard on a Saturday. Pshaw!

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four

"This shit's low-fat!"

"Eh?"

"I thought it was non-fat!"

Evidence of Onesies

The Girl's first self potty use.

The Wife: "There's pee in the baby potty!"

Me: "Cool."

"Do you think it's hers?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it's The Boy messing with us. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it hit the target."

Not Much Notice

"Hey, does the cat seem a bit out of sorts to you?"

RIP Tinker-Belle, ~11/2001 - 4/12/2010

Mmm, Number Two

In an effort to keep them away from the children, we've (for some reason I don't know) been keeping the Easter Peeps, M&Ms, and Jelly Bellys next to the master toilet.

Dropping the kids off at the pool has never been such a treat.

I Call Shenanigans

She's standing in her crib, full-length footie jammies around her ankles, holding her diaper proudly.

"Why did you take your diaper off?"

Innocently: "[It] fall down."

Porking Pens, Banging Bics, Ultra-Fine Flings, Writing Utensils Gone Wild

The secret to pen reproduction:

I can never, ever find a pen when I need one in the moment.

If, however, I remove a pen from atop my keyboard -- always in that empty space between the function keys and the number row -- and set it directly next to the keyboard, an entirely new pen will magically appear in the very same spot, the very next day, only to be set next to its friend next to my keyboard.

There are, at this very moment right now synchronize-your-watches-aaand-mark, exactly six writing utensils next to my keyboard. One black, one red, one orange Crayola washable, and three pencils.

Women!

Whoopie, Gifts!

"I'm really sick, but we can have birthday while-I-lay-there sex."

It's Virtual

The little one discovered my Dragon Age dog. That was the most exciting thing to happen all week. She's just a little obsessed with them, for some reason.

"Dog! Haha! Dog!"

Another Conversation I Had at Some Point

"How's that new beer taste?"

"It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

Wisdom of Miguel

This happened years ago, but it needs to be documented:

"You're going tubing down the Salt River? It'd be easier just to invite your three best friends over to pee on you."

Soft Apples

"I can't eat my Spaghettios. It hurts my loose tooth."

"Okay, we'll save them for later. Where's your apple?"

"I ate it."

Look How Far I Can Count!

"NINE!"

Last week it was a triumphant "EIGHT!" Usually with a couple omissions. At least she's excited.

Parents Just Don't Understand

"Dada?"

"Yeah?"

"Airplane!"

"Yes?"

"Airplane fly!"

"Uh, sure."

"No, Dada. Airplane! Fly! Fly!!!"

"Okay."

"Ugh!"

And she stormed off.

Not Gonna Make It

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 1. The finite-depth FIFO.

"Oh, Honey, I desperately need tampons. Can you go out and get some?"

"Ugh, ok. Tampons."

"Here, use this cash. And get yourself something, too."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me."

"And pick up the photos for school while you're there."

"Tampons. Cash. Something for me. Photos for school."

"Oh! And Hot Tomales!"

"Cash. Something for me. Photos for school. Hot Tomales. No problem, I'll be right back."

To the store!

Taking the pants off for bed, Take 2. Slightly later than I intended.

"Good night, Honey. Oh, where did you put the tampons?"

"The wha-? DAMMIT!"

To the store!

Hm. Which kind did she want? I thought she said this one...but I thought she wanted that color. FUKIT, I'm buying them all.

Taking off the pants for bed, Take 3. Not going to the office early, after all.

"Oh, thank you, Honey. I love you."

"We won't need tampons for a while. I stocked up."

"What do you mean?"
"Nothing. Good night."

Firsts

"Yay, sushi!"

"Olive more, Dad."

For Miguel

I had Jack in the Box for the first time today. It didn't taste at all like kangaroo meat.

Specifics

"Cea-ol!"

"Cereal?"

"Yay!"

"Ok, I'll make you some Cheerios."

"No! Cea-ol!"

"Raisin Bran?"

"Yay!"

Oh My

Awesome recent episodes:

(It may be that certain people are putting me on, but a little ignorance never hurt anyone)

Me, at a party: "So, what are you girls chattering about?"

"We were just comparing notes on our lesbian tendencies."

Me, at home: "Who was that on the phone?"

"Soandso. She likes to call me while she's in a bubble bath and ask if I can hear her splashing around."

Galileo. Mimi-mi-mi.

Educating the boy on some Youtube'd Bohemian Rhapsody:

Him: "Daddy, play the real one."

Me: "This is the real one."

"No, the one with the Muppets."

Giggles and Tears

Dropping your balloon and watching it float away in the Trader Joe's parking lot is the most awesome and crappiest thing ever.

I Hate Everybody

If you ain't Mommy, then you ain't shit.

If you are Mommy, then you are.

That Counts As One

"I am interested in lots of things. Monsters, Vampires, Were Animals... can not narrow it down to fit it in a box."

Facebookers.

Opportunities

Me, staring into the fridge: "I can't find the cheese."

She reaches past me and pulls out the cheese.

"You'd better hope this engineering gig pans out, because you'll never make it as a domestic goddess."

Just Trying

The Wife meets me in the driveway and immediately hands The Girl off to me.

Exasperated tone: "She wants you. I want her to want you."

Me, singing along: "Do you...need her to need me?"

But sometimes my cheerful demeanor isn't contagious.

Articulacy

"Da, die eew" = Father, I've soiled my current diaper. May I have another?

Messin' With the Boy

"Daddy, I actually have a lot of girlfriends."

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yeah, there's..." and he proceeds to lay like seven or eight names on me. Way to go, boy. Time to knock you down a peg.

"So, you kissed any of them yet?"

Drawn-out silence.

"Daddy...I'm uhh...I'm not really into that kind of thing."

Note to Future Jason

Dear Jason,

Kindly dispose of 40-something pound pumpkins prior to November 12. They may crumble in your hands, drenching your shirt, pants, and shoes in sticky, foul smelling, black and orange chunks of rotten pumpkin barf.

You'll thank me.

Piercee-s, Or...How I Got My Feminine Ch'i

So, the family was getting some body piercings, just casually. "What shall we do with our Sunday?" "Freak out the squares?" "Ok. I'll load up the kids."

The Wife was up first, laying on the table, the dude flexing arms as he jammed this three-inch, heavy gauge bar through her. For the record, it counts as piercings twelve AND thirteen according to her. Squeezing out a couple big-headed kiddos apparently makes it easier to man up to this sort of thing.

Then I was up. I made some nervous chit-chat while our overly-decorated guy laid out some implements of pain and a cotton swab. "It definitely has a Feminine Ch'i, and that's just awesome," he opined. "I would totally get one, but my anatomy isn't right."

Suuure.

Bed Time Progress

"Aren't you done brushing your teeth yet?"

"I've almost started."

If This Door's a-Knockin'

Don't come to my door unannounced. I may just answer in goldfish jammie bottoms, spare tire, mild hangover, and Feminine Ch'i* all just hanging out there. And then we'll both be embarrassed.

*Stay tuned.

18 Months

She has a bunch of words, but a good chunk of what she says amounts to...Fuck You.

Lovelace Doctors: Well, What *Do* You Do, Then?

At the LOVELACE WOMENS' HOSPITAL. Let me emphasise that. The Lovelace...WOMENS' HOSPITAL. The stage is set....

Lovelace Patient: "I have a question about breast-feeding, can I talk to an OB or a Lactation Consultant?"

Lovelace Professional: "Erm...we're not sure how to contact them."

Why Engineers are Smarter Than Lovelace Doctors

When probing someone's abdomen for tender spots, a patient reacts with "OWW."

An engineer would troubleshoot and find the cause.

A Lovelace doctor would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't poke you there anymore," and leave the room.

True story (I have lots of these...it may be a new theme of mine....)

You Laugh, and Then You Feel Bad

Mr. Putter & Tabby are just awesome. In tonight's book, Mr. Putter's neighbor talks him into running a marathon. "It's a senior marathon," said Mrs. Teaberry. "Nothing but old people!"

"Chapter 4: Everybody passed Mr. Putter. Everybody except two people. Two people who tripped and fell and never got up."

I don't know why we laughed. But we did. Poor old people.

Well the Times Are Getting Hard for You, Little Girl

I was sitting on my guitar stool hammering out some Great White, when a certain little someone, carrying certain little purple shoes, comes in, drops them at the bottom of my stool, looks up at me, and says, "Out." It's not a suggestion, not a demand, just a 'we're doing this, so you might as well get started.'

I Tawt I Taw Titty Tatts

So, there's this 'water feature'...spurting...and a chick...getting spurted on.... You can't not notice these things.

Her shirt got wet. She fluttered the front to dry her chest. And there was an impressive amount of ink.

These Showers Don't Bring May Flowers

The Setting: 4th of July weekend barbeque.

The Players: Lots of adults, lots of kids.

The Props: Beef, Beer, Brats, and of course, fireworks of every sort.

The tagline: "Hey, Daddy, can I try a Golden Shower?"

"wha-? heeheehee Wh-What did you say?" (giggle)

The lettering, bold on the side of this firework, big capital letters: "THE GOLDEN SHOWER"

Everyone is calmly and ponderously checking out the crazy Jason. Crazy Jason is wiping beer from his nostrils and tears from his eyes. "Does no one else think this is hilarious?"

"What's wrong with that guy?" "I dunno. But keep him away from the guac. Ew."

Dumb Shit We Sing To The Kids At Bedtime

Jam-mies. Jam-mies.

And I hope you like jammies too.

We're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies.

Hope you like jammies too.

Droppin' Some Knowledge

If you suspect you might be getting sick, give the bratwursts and lemonade a miss.  Proper.

Science!

Makin' bratwursts and sipping lemonade in the rain (yes, THOSE bratwursts and that lemonade).

"Uhh, Dad?  Emergency!"  (He's still in Khan mode, how adorable.)  "Why is the barbeque smoking like that?"

"Steam, not smoke.  From the rain."

"Ohh, right."

Bubbles!

"Hey, Mom, look.  When I turn this over, the bubbles always go to the top."

"I bet Dad can explain the science to you."

"Not science, Mom.  Bubbles."

Continuing the Story

Anyway, after watching said film, The Boy now has an awesome arsenal of newly-acquired vocabulary for playing with his toys.

"Fire.  Fire!  FIRE!"

"Damage report!"

"Evasive maneuver!  Starboard!"

"We need power in three minutes or we're all dead!"

"He's dead already!"

"From Hell's heart, I stab at thee."

"Khaaaan!"

Ok, I made those last two up.  But it would be cool.

Beginning the Story

"So, The Boy and I were watching Wrath of Khan yesterday --"

"Why?"

"It's....  You....  You can't ask 'Why Wrath of Khan?'  It's not a legitimate question.  'Why Generations?' sure.  'Why Wrath of Khan?' makes no sense."

Blank stare.

Brain Freeze

We were at an event. Charity. For the kids.

The Lobos cheerleaders were at the starting gate, waving the herd through. Just as I happened to be passing right in front of a tight little brunette thing, she happens to wiggle a bit and says to the blonde next to her -- no lie: "I'm single and lookin' to mingle."

My brain (possibly): "Awwwwsome. Say something dude."
Feet keep plodding along.
"Anything. Something cute. 'I'm mingly.' No, weird. 'I'm Chuck, wanna fu'--- no, crude. Anything."
Still movin' ahead.
"Asshole, I'm talking to you. Hello, moron!"
But nothing remotely suggestive rhymes with Jason.

The boy, walking behind me, gave her a high-five as he passed. STUD!

Baby Experimentations

Hmm....  Why is it that stripey things don't feel stripey?

The Neighbors, This Month

"Yeah, they came and got the new one, too."

The Neighbors, Last Month

"How do you like my new car?"

"Oh, it's nice.  Did you sell your other one?"

"No, they towed it away lastnight.  They were so loud, didn't they wake you up?  So, I had to go buy a new one today."

Ah.

It's Your Mom, Dude!

Sometimes the Boy just isn't as far out of earshot as you're hoping.

Her, leaning close to me: "I bought a little sexy something, if you want to see it later."

Him: "Can we see it now?"

Left on the Desktop

Me:  "What time does your flight leave in the morning?"

Her:  "7:30."

"Ugh, that means I have to wake up at, like, 5."

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks.  It's like," (reading from the monitor) "of, pertaining to, involving, or near the anus."

"Huh?"

"What is this?"

"Ohhh...I was looking up something."

"Up what?"

Paying It Forward

"...."

"..ngrruh..?"

"I said, I can't believe that asshole."

"..huunh..?"

"The casino neighbor guy.  He was dragging his garbage bin across the gravel out to the curb at two freaking a.m.  I could hear him over the monitor from the baby's room."

"..eeh..?"

"It woke me up, and now I can't fall asleep."

"..ockaaysh.."

"Are you even listening to me?  Are you even awake?"

Man Wipes?

Us, on travel: "We changed the baby.  Where can we toss the used wipes?"

Them: "Aren't they flushable?  Like my man-wipes?"

How Cold Was It?

Her, driving: "Ugh, who did that?"

"Me, sorry."  I reach toward the window control.

"No!  No, I'd rather just smell it than be cold."

Stuck in the Upright, Locked Position

She stands up. For every occasion. "Okay, naptime." POP. "No, lay down for naptime." POP. "Dammit, stop that." POP. Argh.

I'd just leave her there, but sitting back down is a skill not yet mastered. "Umm...stuck. Legs getting tired. Hello? Losing my grip here. Anyone?"

Give Me a A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

"Anything you want to donate to Good Will before the end of the year?"
"Uhh, sure. Here's a shirt and pants."
"You are not getting rid of that sexy shirt."
"It was my Halloween costume."
"And it's going to be your 'cheerleader' costume on home movie night. Rawr. Go hang it up."

Eeek! Stop That!

"Aww.  Here's Daddy, stumbling in with my bottle for a 6am feeding.  How sweet.  I should do something for him, to make him feel appreciated.  I know!  I'll stroke his nipples lovingly while I suckle the bottle."

You! Alright? I Learned It by Watching You!

"Stop biting your nails, son."

Her Whole New Tack

"You know what I think is sexy?  When you put your DVD cases away."

You Realize You Aren't Saying Anything, Right?

"Ah-Fa-Ba-Na-Ga-Ta-Ma-Da"

Nod understandingly and provide encouraging feedback.  "You don't say.  Well, that is fascinating."

Pain in the Ass

WHUMP!

The wife and I look at each other.  What was that?

Scene:  The Boy's room.  Enter:  Me.  He's sprawled out at an odd angle atop the bow of his boatbed.  "What's up?"

He just lays there, all cool, like, Yeah, I'm just chillin' on this thing here.  "Mommy polished this wood today."

"Yes?"

"It's all slippery."

"Did you fall?"

The embarrasing secret is out.  He starts to cry.  "I hurt my butt."

Hello. May I tickle your nuts?

I was holding the baby against my chest.  We were in Baby Gap.  She was in a good mood.  The women were melting.  One busty young* thing with a sexy thick Castillian accent leans in close.  "Ohhh, hello, aren't you so happy!"

And then she swoops in.  Palm up, gently cupping.... Closer...closer....  It's not often that strange, sober girls just reach in like that.  I actually jumped back a bit, giggling.  What are you grabbin' for there, lady?

She really liked the little shoes.  Ollie'll be wearing them more often.

*"Was she really busty and young?"  "It's my blog...and yes."

Quote of the Day

"I am not making you bacon for a snack."

"Words, words, words."

Verbs, use at your own risk.

"Come go potty."

"What does that mean, Daddy?"

"I don't know."