Opportunities

Me, staring into the fridge: "I can't find the cheese."

She reaches past me and pulls out the cheese.

"You'd better hope this engineering gig pans out, because you'll never make it as a domestic goddess."

Just Trying

The Wife meets me in the driveway and immediately hands The Girl off to me.

Exasperated tone: "She wants you. I want her to want you."

Me, singing along: "Do you...need her to need me?"

But sometimes my cheerful demeanor isn't contagious.

Articulacy

"Da, die eew" = Father, I've soiled my current diaper. May I have another?

Messin' With the Boy

"Daddy, I actually have a lot of girlfriends."

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yeah, there's..." and he proceeds to lay like seven or eight names on me. Way to go, boy. Time to knock you down a peg.

"So, you kissed any of them yet?"

Drawn-out silence.

"Daddy...I'm uhh...I'm not really into that kind of thing."

Note to Future Jason

Dear Jason,

Kindly dispose of 40-something pound pumpkins prior to November 12. They may crumble in your hands, drenching your shirt, pants, and shoes in sticky, foul smelling, black and orange chunks of rotten pumpkin barf.

You'll thank me.

Piercee-s, Or...How I Got My Feminine Ch'i

So, the family was getting some body piercings, just casually. "What shall we do with our Sunday?" "Freak out the squares?" "Ok. I'll load up the kids."

The Wife was up first, laying on the table, the dude flexing arms as he jammed this three-inch, heavy gauge bar through her. For the record, it counts as piercings twelve AND thirteen according to her. Squeezing out a couple big-headed kiddos apparently makes it easier to man up to this sort of thing.

Then I was up. I made some nervous chit-chat while our overly-decorated guy laid out some implements of pain and a cotton swab. "It definitely has a Feminine Ch'i, and that's just awesome," he opined. "I would totally get one, but my anatomy isn't right."

Suuure.

Bed Time Progress

"Aren't you done brushing your teeth yet?"

"I've almost started."

If This Door's a-Knockin'

Don't come to my door unannounced. I may just answer in goldfish jammie bottoms, spare tire, mild hangover, and Feminine Ch'i* all just hanging out there. And then we'll both be embarrassed.

*Stay tuned.

18 Months

She has a bunch of words, but a good chunk of what she says amounts to...Fuck You.

Lovelace Doctors: Well, What *Do* You Do, Then?

At the LOVELACE WOMENS' HOSPITAL. Let me emphasise that. The Lovelace...WOMENS' HOSPITAL. The stage is set....

Lovelace Patient: "I have a question about breast-feeding, can I talk to an OB or a Lactation Consultant?"

Lovelace Professional: "Erm...we're not sure how to contact them."

Why Engineers are Smarter Than Lovelace Doctors

When probing someone's abdomen for tender spots, a patient reacts with "OWW."

An engineer would troubleshoot and find the cause.

A Lovelace doctor would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't poke you there anymore," and leave the room.

True story (I have lots of these...it may be a new theme of mine....)

You Laugh, and Then You Feel Bad

Mr. Putter & Tabby are just awesome. In tonight's book, Mr. Putter's neighbor talks him into running a marathon. "It's a senior marathon," said Mrs. Teaberry. "Nothing but old people!"

"Chapter 4: Everybody passed Mr. Putter. Everybody except two people. Two people who tripped and fell and never got up."

I don't know why we laughed. But we did. Poor old people.

Well the Times Are Getting Hard for You, Little Girl

I was sitting on my guitar stool hammering out some Great White, when a certain little someone, carrying certain little purple shoes, comes in, drops them at the bottom of my stool, looks up at me, and says, "Out." It's not a suggestion, not a demand, just a 'we're doing this, so you might as well get started.'

I Tawt I Taw Titty Tatts

So, there's this 'water feature'...spurting...and a chick...getting spurted on.... You can't not notice these things.

Her shirt got wet. She fluttered the front to dry her chest. And there was an impressive amount of ink.

These Showers Don't Bring May Flowers

The Setting: 4th of July weekend barbeque.

The Players: Lots of adults, lots of kids.

The Props: Beef, Beer, Brats, and of course, fireworks of every sort.

The tagline: "Hey, Daddy, can I try a Golden Shower?"

"wha-? heeheehee Wh-What did you say?" (giggle)

The lettering, bold on the side of this firework, big capital letters: "THE GOLDEN SHOWER"

Everyone is calmly and ponderously checking out the crazy Jason. Crazy Jason is wiping beer from his nostrils and tears from his eyes. "Does no one else think this is hilarious?"

"What's wrong with that guy?" "I dunno. But keep him away from the guac. Ew."

Dumb Shit We Sing To The Kids At Bedtime

Jam-mies. Jam-mies.

And I hope you like jammies too.

We're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies, we're jammies.

Hope you like jammies too.

Droppin' Some Knowledge

If you suspect you might be getting sick, give the bratwursts and lemonade a miss.  Proper.

Science!

Makin' bratwursts and sipping lemonade in the rain (yes, THOSE bratwursts and that lemonade).

"Uhh, Dad?  Emergency!"  (He's still in Khan mode, how adorable.)  "Why is the barbeque smoking like that?"

"Steam, not smoke.  From the rain."

"Ohh, right."

Bubbles!

"Hey, Mom, look.  When I turn this over, the bubbles always go to the top."

"I bet Dad can explain the science to you."

"Not science, Mom.  Bubbles."

Continuing the Story

Anyway, after watching said film, The Boy now has an awesome arsenal of newly-acquired vocabulary for playing with his toys.

"Fire.  Fire!  FIRE!"

"Damage report!"

"Evasive maneuver!  Starboard!"

"We need power in three minutes or we're all dead!"

"He's dead already!"

"From Hell's heart, I stab at thee."

"Khaaaan!"

Ok, I made those last two up.  But it would be cool.

Beginning the Story

"So, The Boy and I were watching Wrath of Khan yesterday --"

"Why?"

"It's....  You....  You can't ask 'Why Wrath of Khan?'  It's not a legitimate question.  'Why Generations?' sure.  'Why Wrath of Khan?' makes no sense."

Blank stare.

Brain Freeze

We were at an event. Charity. For the kids.

The Lobos cheerleaders were at the starting gate, waving the herd through. Just as I happened to be passing right in front of a tight little brunette thing, she happens to wiggle a bit and says to the blonde next to her -- no lie: "I'm single and lookin' to mingle."

My brain (possibly): "Awwwwsome. Say something dude."
Feet keep plodding along.
"Anything. Something cute. 'I'm mingly.' No, weird. 'I'm Chuck, wanna fu'--- no, crude. Anything."
Still movin' ahead.
"Asshole, I'm talking to you. Hello, moron!"
But nothing remotely suggestive rhymes with Jason.

The boy, walking behind me, gave her a high-five as he passed. STUD!

Baby Experimentations

Hmm....  Why is it that stripey things don't feel stripey?

The Neighbors, This Month

"Yeah, they came and got the new one, too."

The Neighbors, Last Month

"How do you like my new car?"

"Oh, it's nice.  Did you sell your other one?"

"No, they towed it away lastnight.  They were so loud, didn't they wake you up?  So, I had to go buy a new one today."

Ah.

It's Your Mom, Dude!

Sometimes the Boy just isn't as far out of earshot as you're hoping.

Her, leaning close to me: "I bought a little sexy something, if you want to see it later."

Him: "Can we see it now?"

Left on the Desktop

Me:  "What time does your flight leave in the morning?"

Her:  "7:30."

"Ugh, that means I have to wake up at, like, 5."

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks.  It's like," (reading from the monitor) "of, pertaining to, involving, or near the anus."

"Huh?"

"What is this?"

"Ohhh...I was looking up something."

"Up what?"

Paying It Forward

"...."

"..ngrruh..?"

"I said, I can't believe that asshole."

"..huunh..?"

"The casino neighbor guy.  He was dragging his garbage bin across the gravel out to the curb at two freaking a.m.  I could hear him over the monitor from the baby's room."

"..eeh..?"

"It woke me up, and now I can't fall asleep."

"..ockaaysh.."

"Are you even listening to me?  Are you even awake?"

Man Wipes?

Us, on travel: "We changed the baby.  Where can we toss the used wipes?"

Them: "Aren't they flushable?  Like my man-wipes?"

How Cold Was It?

Her, driving: "Ugh, who did that?"

"Me, sorry."  I reach toward the window control.

"No!  No, I'd rather just smell it than be cold."

Stuck in the Upright, Locked Position

She stands up. For every occasion. "Okay, naptime." POP. "No, lay down for naptime." POP. "Dammit, stop that." POP. Argh.

I'd just leave her there, but sitting back down is a skill not yet mastered. "Umm...stuck. Legs getting tired. Hello? Losing my grip here. Anyone?"

Give Me a A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

"Anything you want to donate to Good Will before the end of the year?"
"Uhh, sure. Here's a shirt and pants."
"You are not getting rid of that sexy shirt."
"It was my Halloween costume."
"And it's going to be your 'cheerleader' costume on home movie night. Rawr. Go hang it up."

Eeek! Stop That!

"Aww.  Here's Daddy, stumbling in with my bottle for a 6am feeding.  How sweet.  I should do something for him, to make him feel appreciated.  I know!  I'll stroke his nipples lovingly while I suckle the bottle."

You! Alright? I Learned It by Watching You!

"Stop biting your nails, son."

Her Whole New Tack

"You know what I think is sexy?  When you put your DVD cases away."

You Realize You Aren't Saying Anything, Right?

"Ah-Fa-Ba-Na-Ga-Ta-Ma-Da"

Nod understandingly and provide encouraging feedback.  "You don't say.  Well, that is fascinating."

Pain in the Ass

WHUMP!

The wife and I look at each other.  What was that?

Scene:  The Boy's room.  Enter:  Me.  He's sprawled out at an odd angle atop the bow of his boatbed.  "What's up?"

He just lays there, all cool, like, Yeah, I'm just chillin' on this thing here.  "Mommy polished this wood today."

"Yes?"

"It's all slippery."

"Did you fall?"

The embarrasing secret is out.  He starts to cry.  "I hurt my butt."

Hello. May I tickle your nuts?

I was holding the baby against my chest.  We were in Baby Gap.  She was in a good mood.  The women were melting.  One busty young* thing with a sexy thick Castillian accent leans in close.  "Ohhh, hello, aren't you so happy!"

And then she swoops in.  Palm up, gently cupping.... Closer...closer....  It's not often that strange, sober girls just reach in like that.  I actually jumped back a bit, giggling.  What are you grabbin' for there, lady?

She really liked the little shoes.  Ollie'll be wearing them more often.

*"Was she really busty and young?"  "It's my blog...and yes."

Quote of the Day

"I am not making you bacon for a snack."

"Words, words, words."

Verbs, use at your own risk.

"Come go potty."

"What does that mean, Daddy?"

"I don't know."

A Subtle Change

We've reached a point where disappointment has shifted from intangible, "alas, the injustice of the world, boo hoo" to concrete, damnable blame: "You!  You did this!"

Now I See

We met the boy's kindergarten teacher last night.
"Oh, hi, it's so nice to meet you! The TA and I just love what you put in his lunches every day. We think it's hilarious."
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, ha ha."

Later, discretely to the wife: "What do we put in his lunches every day?"
"Raw spinach and whole wheat cous cous. Why?"

It Makes Perfect Sense to Me

Me, smacking my teeth, "Ugh, I don't like this new kind of Cheez-Its you bought. They're all gooey in my teeth."
"Why don't you brush?"
"Because I don't want all this sticky crap in my toothbrush."

It Makes No Sense to Me

I walked in on her pumping something into her bath water.
Me, looking at the bottle, "Did you just put acne wash into the tub?"
"We're out of bubble bath."

Mmm, Baby

Me, scooching close lovingly on the sofa, "Ouch, what did you do to your hand?"
"Hmm? Oh. It must be from my nose." Pause. "What?"
"It would have been infinitely sexier had you said, 'I cut my finger.'"

This is SO Going in My Blog!

"Jason, can you help me find my sunglasses? I'm going crazy looking everywhere. I mean, like, everywhere, except the compost pile."

Creak. Plod plod plod. Hmm. Dig dig.

"Found 'em."

Right there, in the pile. I'm a hero. True story.

Indubitably

"But Daddy, some foods don't make poop."
"No. If it goes in, it has to go out."
"Indeed."
"In...deed?"

In My Mind

Target is morphing into Hazzard County so slowly that we aren't meant to notice. Have you listened to their walkie conversations lately?

"Available cashiers to the front, please."
"Operator, come back."
"Cooter, have you got your ears on?"
"Bo Peep, this is Lost Sheep. That dipstick Cletus is hot on our tail. We'll lose him at the Boar's Nest, there's an overturned hay cart we can jump. Yeee-haw."

*Halfway through this post, I thought maybe I should present my alternative 'CHiPs' theory. "7-Mary-4, do you copy?"

Girl-Inept, but The Wife Still Likes Me for Some Reason

The scene: A female, I don't know why, is chatting me up.
"So, did you do anything exciting this weekend?"
"Uh, no. Just read."
"Ooo, anything good?"

Option 1: The truth! But Polgara the Sorcereress is a sure-fire girl-conversation killer. Go for something else. She looks like a smart, philosophical type. Think!

"The Fountainhead."
"Oh. Isn't that, like, set in the future or something?" Pleasant conversation ends here.

Insert Pac-Man death sound effects.

At Least I've Still Got You

I was listening to the baby screech because, well, that's what was on. An intense, anguished squeal it was.

Me: "You know what it sounds like? You know when the Nazgul are decending on Minas Tirith and--"
Her: "No, I don't." Exit, kitchen right.

Well, anyway, it sounded like that.

Wrong!

When did we buy this lunch meat? Was it before vacation, or after we got back? Surely after.

Observing Jason

Her: "You're prettier in color."

Travel

Me, thinking ahead: "Should we pack some condoms?"
Her: "I packed four."

That's an awfully precise number. Not some. Not a few. Not five-ish. Not a handful. Like jellybeans, some things are just awkward when counted individually.

There's STILL a Placenta in my Fridge!?!

Me: "Dearest?"
Her: "Yes, shnookums?"
"What's this red bio-hazard bag in the freezer?"

Complimentary Ringtones

I saw a web banner, and immediately imagined my own cell phone:

"Hey, gorgeous."
"You are so funny."
"Have you been working out?"

I'd wish more people would call me.

I'm Not Famous Yet

I'm stealing this idea from another blogger who did it a while back, but I thought it was an interesting experiment. So many people have real substance or insight to their writings, whereas my rambling are ... well, the inanity makes me giggle, so that's why I jot it all down. So, it's interesting to see how people accidentally fall into this backwoods mire of the blogoshpere (cue up the Dueling Banjos).

"illusion teatime" - HEY! I'm Google's first hit! *wipes a tear* I realize now that it's because I botched up the Douglas Adams quote. Hooray for me.

"portuganlish" - I'm the only Google hit. Isn't there some sort of contest along those lines? I win! Someone give me a handful of jellybeans.

"sloppy jimbo" - It's weird that I come in above any Simpsons references. Weirder still is the first hit; urbandictionary.com. Quoth the definition: 'The act in which u give a handjob with sloppy joe mix as a lube. As in: Dude Sally gave me a sloppy jimbo lastnight.' (sic) End quote. Words fail me.

"tapping the fishbowl" - probably not what the poor guy was expecting.

And many others that are more or less too boring to mention.

Swim Class

"Ok, who can tell me some good pool rules?"
Not-my-kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "No running."
"Very good. Any others?"
Another not-my-kid raises her hand enthusiastically: "No rough-housing."
"Excellent. Anyone else?"
My kid raises his hand enthusiastically: "I don't have any."
"Oookay. Anyone else?"
Also my kid: "But I did bring goggles!"

Baby Steps

Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Thumb in mouth. Pleasant.
Thumb in eye. Unpleasant.
Hmm...let's review the options.
Thumb in mouth....

Babies and Stooges, funny in about the same way.

I'm Back, Baby!

I'll ease back into it slowly. Funny quotes that I've come across over the past couple years that I've taken the time to write down:

"Second highest first half revenue for the first time ever!" - on a promotional banner, proudly hanging over the entrance to my work.

"If we can't get this working, we'll be flopping around like a dead fish."
"Dead fish don't flop." - heard in the lab.

"Is [Option A] better than [Option B]?"
"It's hard to say. I'd call it a throw up." - seen in online chat.

"Don't be so hippocratic." - said by some politico blowhard, deriding someone he thought was dumber than him. I think this proved him wrong.

"I got it too. This must be going ever were." - who says engineers aren't good writers? (Some of us are.)

"Please request assistance when pertaining to fish." - just...odd.

"Set goals. You need to be aspirating." - motivational speech. I was motivated to breathe heavier.

Haircut: The Works

Fade in. Establishing shot: The interior of a cheap-ass hair-cutting salon. Aaaand...Action!

Start in tight on the boy getting his haircut. Perfect.

Now, pan upwards to the blonde stylist. You are in the moment, you are cutting hair. Project! Yes, I can feel it, make me feel it.

Pull back. Mom and Dad are there. Good. Good. Uh oh, Dad has noticed something off screen. Pull back. I want suspense, I want drama.

What's this? A fat stylist, non-chalant, at the next station. Give me non-chalant. More non-chalant! Now, pick up that big electric razor. Study it. Now, your arm. Back to the razor in your other hand. Arm again. Now, slowly, slowly the two shall meet, star-crossed lovers at the balcony. Give us lust, give us intensity. Now! Shave that arm!

Yes! That's it. Start with a quick kiss, razor to wrist. Now, lingering. The razor caresses the arm, farther up. Farther. Deeper now, more intent. Thrust! Up, up the arm.

But, you aren't satisfied with mere forearm play. You want it, you want it bad, you fat bitch. Get the elbow! More aggressive. Dig. Right in there, push through every fold, dig through the flabby elbow skin. Nothing may keep the two apart.

Ok, ok, let's cool things off a bit. Bring us back to the moment. Quick dissolve to the blonde stylist. And....

"Ermmm. Are you...on the clock?"
"Neh. Still on my lunch." Don't break the moment. Keep shaving!
"Uhhh, could you go to the back room and...change the radio station, please?" I love the subtlety!
"In a sec."

Back to the heat! Arm up, over your head, shave that tricky underside! Yes! Yes! Go! Do it! Yes!

And I'm spent. Let's wipe ourselves down with that little brush. Leisurely, give me more leisure. Yes, up and down each arm. Don't forget the breasts. Your stubbly has certainly mussied your breasts. That's it. Yeah.

And now: Back to business. Call your next customer! "Dennis?"

Dennis, give us a little start. That's it, yes. Show us, make us know. Look around. You want desperately to be somewhere else.

And, scene.

Isn't It Like Tapping on a Fishbowl?

"Do you want to feel the baby move?"

Quality Time with the Wife

"Remember four months ago when your soup exploded in the microwave and you didn't clean it up?"
"I have been sooo farty lately. Not stinky-farty, just air-farty. Do you know what I mean?"
"Are my nipples leaking?"

What's on YOUR Nightstand?

"Have you seen my vibrator anywhere?"
"No."
"Oh, here it is. Next to the peanut butter."

Education

"I got the question today, about how the baby got in my tummy."
"Oh?"
"I told him: Daddy and I humped really hard."
"You told him what?"
"Daddy and I hugged really hard."
"Ooohhhh."
"What did you think I said?"

We Can Dance, But We Don't Want To

I was listening to Safety Dance -- because you can't not listen to Safety Dance when it is on -- and I decided: I would, in fact, love to surprise someone with a victory cry. HAH! I WIN!

Time is an Illusion, Teatime Doubly So

I had a meeting at 9:30. I emaild everyone and said, "can we push it forward to 10:00?"

Apparently everyone showed up at 9:00 and discussed how rude it was for me to move a meeting and then not show up. Their side of the story? "You said 'forward'."

Things You Don't Know

"Honey, I need a new bar of soap."

"It's here in the -- ugh, you smell like ass."

"Well, in a few short minutes, I hope to smell more like Lever 2000. And shampoo. Conditioner. That oatmeal gunk you put on your face that you don't think I use but I do sometimes because frankly it makes my boys minty-tingly."

"What?"

"Nothing."

How Is Your Lab Work Going, Jason?

Lord Dark Helmet said it best: "Fuck! Even in the future nothing works."

Whatever, Freak

"Daddy, I'm hungry."
"Ok, let's make some grilled cheeses. Does that sound good?"
"Uh. No. Let's have apples and soy milk."
"You spend too much time with Mommy."

Cravings?

"Oh! Can we go to the steakhouse for dinner?"
"Ok, sure."
------
"Hi, can I just have a side salad, please?"
???

A Night's Adventure

"Smoke Detector 2, this is Smoke Detector 1. Do you copy?"
"Roger. It is nearly dawn."
"Affirmative. We are GO for Operation: Meaningless Annoyances."
"Very well. Begin Phase 1."
CHIRP
"Note the subject seems confused. Is he dreaming? His eyes close, he begins to drift off again."
CHIRP
"At this point the subject realizes the stimulus is real. And he thinks he may be able to sleep through it."
CHIRP
"Ah, an expletive. Write that down, we'll look it up later. Aha! He's up. Begin Phase 2: Misdirection. Note how the high-pitched wail echos off the walls as he searches for the source."
CHIRP
"Where is he going?"
"Ahh, young one, you have much to learn. We have strategicially placed ourselves just out of reach. And the step ladder is in the garage."
"Ooo. Brilliantly inconvenient."
"Indeed."
"Here he is. Why the limp?"
"I suspect he stubbed his toe. Rather badly, I should say."
CHIRP
"He's got a firm grip on Detector 2. They are going down! The battery is removed. O! those poor bastards."
"Let's have a moment's silence in rememberance."
"He's back in bed."
"Wait for it."
"Ready for Phase 3?"
"Wait for it."
CHIRP
"More expletives incoming."
"Got 'em."
"Ha! He's accidentally woken the gestating female. Enjoy the fireworks."

Animal, He Has Become

He's crazy as a muppet on his new drum kit.

Some chains, crazy hair, throw in a growled "WO-MAN!" Can You Picture That, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

Maybe some rhythm too. "Be a better drummer / Be an up and comer / Can you picture that?"

Oh, man, now that's going to be in my head all day.

Movin' Right Along.... aww, damn.

Baby Names: In-Law's Opinions

The Wife: "What do you guys think of -----?"
Her Dad: "I like Ann."

Baby Names: Parent's Opinions

"Don't pick one that's so hard to pronounce."

Baby Names: Teacher's Opinions

"Sometimes when I'm writing The Boy's name on his artwork, I have to stop and think how to spell it. Is the next one going to be easier?"

Girl Shopping

I am freaked out by little girls' clothes. They are all frilly. They all say something dumb. It's a shirt, not a get well card. "Little Diva." "Crib Queen." "Someday My Prince Will Come." Blech.

Claude Shannon tells us that given a statistical spread of possible messages, the most information is transferred when the message is least expected. (I googled around forever trying to find a concise quote, but you'll just have to deal with my paraphrasing.)

Therefore, if it absolutely must say something, I want my little girl to wear a shirt that says something totally whacked out. Where do I find those?

----

Browsing around with the wife. You can only wander so far before you get out of the infant girls' stuff and into the older girls' stuff. She holds up a teeny blue bra thing that someday my daughter could be wearing. Creepy.

"This is the size I was wearing when we met," she says. Had there been a window nearby I would have screamed and leapt out. Seriously? How? In the dozen years I've known you, we progressed from that to the water balloon launchers laying about my bedroom?

Skeletor Rising

We got one of those 4-D color sonogram movies done. Ewww. She's much cuter in grainy black-and-white. Hope she gets over it.

An Innocent Statement

Watching the sonogram, baby's mouth is opening and closing. "Isn't that cute? She's practicing swallowing. Ow - what? Ohhh."

The Wonders of the Pregnant Brain

She's walking around in her underwear looking confused.

"What's up?"
"I had some pants on a minute ago."

It's...uhmm...Gonna be a Girl

We zoomed way, way, indecently way in to be sure. Couldn't have been more clear had she been sporting big ol hooters and a bundle of shopping bags. Definitely el feminito. Er...la femina. Portuganlish, oui.

A girl? Why did no one see this coming? Except for that one crazy lady at work, who said she thought I would be perfect for a girl's father, as I was -- and these are her words, not mine -- a girly man.

Suddenly, visions of buying gifts for my kids went from, "Hey Pops, will you buy me this kick-ass bass guitar?" to "Daddy, I reallyreallyreally need this Bratz vomitpink playset with prosti-tot accessories." Shudder.

I'm gonna be a horrible dad for a girl. Her only hope is if she happens to grow up as a lesbian goth chick.

"Daddy, can I have some money for these hella cool pink strappy sandals with sparklie bling 'hot stuff' lettering bedazzled on the sides?" Fuuuuuck no.

"Yo, I need some dough for black nail polish and an 'eat me' t-shirt." Here's a fifty, Pumpkin. Treat your friends to something nice too.

The More Direct Approach

"Mommy has a baby in her tummy. You're going to be a big brother."
"Oh, wow."
"Yep, isn't it exciting."
"Uh huh. How many minutes?"
"Well, it's going to be a while."
"Tomorrow?"

Breaking the News, Another Subtle Try

"Take a look at this."
"My baby bed?"
"Yep. This crib isn't getting much use lately. I bet we could find someone who would like to use it."
"The cats sleep in it."
Gonna be a tough nut to crack.

Breaking the News, Attempt 1

"Hey, G, come here a sec."
"What, Daddy?"
"Would you like a little baby in the house?"
"No. I already have Baby Elephant. And NotBob."
Hmm....

Deja Vu

The Wife: "So, can I just bitch about something for a second?"
"What is it you've been doing?"

Who Might Be Giants?

You know you've been a couple too long when:
Someone says "Pineapple hands," and you both start singing.

Pineapple hands, pineapple hands / doing the things a pineapple can.

Not Quite Clear Enough

Me, singing: "You can act real rude and totaly removed and I can act like an imbecille / we can dance / we can dance...."
Her: "Who sings that song?"
"Men Without Hats."
"Are they the ones with the funny tiered helmets?"
"Devo? Nnnno. Those men had hats."
"Oh. I thought they were being ironic."

IUI Take 2, Part IV

Sitting in my cube, the office seems quieter and more attentive than usual. Then I realize I've forgotten something important (see Part II).

Me, discretely into the phone. "Hi. Uh. It's me. Are there any...shops...on the way to the clinic?"
Her, with some background commotion: "What's that? Any whats?"
"Shops."
"You're going to have to speak up, I can barely hear."
Same volume, but hopefully more insistant: "Ssshhhops."
"Huh? What kind of shops?"

I can sense 'discrete' going out the window. Luckily the fog cleared on the other end of the line.

"Ohhh...you need help?"
"I thought it might ease things along, yes."
"Ok, do you want to go to the one on Jefferson? Or there is a small one on Osuna. The one on Wyoming is pretty nice. Should I just hop in and grab something?"

My wife really really rocks. Have I said that lately?

postscript: It turns out, the clinic does have a rather nice porn menu, catering to a wide variety of discerning tastes. Whoda thunk?

IUI Take 2, Part III

The Wife is spread-eagle on a table getting plowed by a great-big ultrasound dong."
Nurse: "Well, the egg is not quite mature enough. We'll get a blood test and check again tomorrow."
"What should I do about him?"
"Huh? Ohhh...the abstinance thing?"
"Yeah."
"How long has it been?"
"Five days."
Sympathetic gasp-through-the-teeth. I don't know if a word exists, but it's the ultimate 'oh, you poor thing' pity expression. "Well, go ahead, you should be fine."

YES! My wife rocks.

IUI Take 2, Part II

"The baby-sitter is out of town. The boy is going to have to come with us."
"Well, that's gonna be awkward for the...thing...we have to do."
"G and I will wait outside. Bring a magazine."

IUI: Take 2, Part I

"Ok, 5 days 'till go time. No more booty for you."
"Fine. No problem...I'll just do some situps to take the edge off."

I am gonna have some killer abs by the time this is done.

Busted for Ignorance

"So, when do we find out?"
"Two weeks."
"Yeah, but don't we just take a test?"
"Right, but not yet."
"Why, won't it tell?"
"But we won't know for sure."
"But...it's a test."
"It might happen..."
"Yes."
"...and then not implant."
"Huh?"
"It's too early. Don't you know anything about women's bodies?"
"Just the squooshy and/or squelchy bits."
"Idiot."

Transform And Roll Out!

"Pull up your underwear, son."
"But daddy, I'm transforming into a kitty cat."
"Transform into a kitty that wears underpants."

Me And My Arrow, Episode V

All those days...and finally salvation! I am given permission to have intimate relations with a dixie cup. Oh, baby, yeah! (Ok, you got me. After that long, the dixie cup was looking rather sensual.)

I have a complaint with the whole system (well, another complaint, anyway). It all boils down to a simple mechanics problem:

Dixie cups, sexy as they are, only operate in a bottom-downward fashion. Whereas my equipment is of the going-up sort.

If you've never struggled with this -- or indeed, for the ladies, if you've never had the particular equipment necessary to pull this off (no pun intended ... no that's a lie, it was fully intended) -- let me just say this results in either uncomfortable contortionism, or a rather messy floor.

Me And My Arrow, Episode IV

Day One: Ok, not so bad. I think I can lick this thing.
Day Two: Must. concentrate. on. something. else.
Day Three: Do you really have to walk around with that ass all the time?
Day Four: Don't touch. Keep those lucious, fantastic tits away from me.
Day Five: Twitch.

Me And My Arrow, Episode III

Doctor: "Ok, so we're going to bring you guys in next week for an IUI."
Me: "Ok."
Doctor: "So, you'll be ready for everything? Hormones, late-night cravings, early-morning barfing..."
"Yep."
"Sleepless nights, diapers, constant feeding, crying, spit-up"
"No prob."
"Terrible-twos, followed by more terrible-threes"
"Uh-huh. Yeah yeah, sure, I'm ready to do it all again. I'm pumped, let's do it!"
"Good. Now, you'll want to abstain until your next appointment."
"Errrm....I'm afraid that's not going to work for me."
"Well you'll want to save up so you have a nice, healthy...."
"I'll make more. It's what I do. This whole engineering thing is just an aside. Really? A week? Like...a week?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode II

Doctors and nurses and lab technicians, peering and squinting and scrutinizing and critiquing my boys. "Hmmm."
"Hmmm?"

Me And My Arrow, Episode I

"Here's your specimen cup. Have fun."
"Can I call her Charlene?"
...
"I don't think this door locks."
"You just have to jiggle it a bit."
"And there's no material."
"We don't do that here."
"Shouldn't there be a chair or sofa or something."
(Impatient frown.)
Sigh. Zzzzzzip.

Mediterranean Orzo Salad: Freakin' Nasty

Wife: "Didn't you already write a post about orzo?"
Me: "Newp. That was couscous."

Kink in the Hose

How in the world do you get a boy to stop putting the Vulcan-neck-pinch-death-grip on his member and spraying everything in front of him when he's going to the bathroom?

Well, for sure, saying "Don'tPinchDon'tPinchDon'tPinch stop pinching it let go!" only draws undue attention to yourself and the fact that the wall is now a sticky mess.

"But daddy, I have to hold it so pee doesn't go everywere."

Way Out of Context

The Boy, to the Pretty Employee Girl at Fredrick's of Hollywood: "My daddy has a small Bumblebee."

I think she crooked an eyebrow at me. Darn him and his new deluxe-sized toys.