Does My Hair Look Too Wild?

"It looks like you should have a cat under each arm."

Here Come the Men in Black

Parents: "Okay, the movie is over.  Rewind it and put it away."
Young-uns: "Re-what?"

Intolerantiness

August 2012: Okay, no more yogurt, ever.
August 2013: Milk on my cereal, cheese on my crackers.  Dammit.

hashtag-FACEPALM

Not sure where he picked it up, but it is nearly all-purpose.  'This isn't what I asked for.'  'You're in my personal space.'  'I'm surrounded by morons.'  'Stop the world, I want to get off.'

Hey, Dad, I'm Going to My Room with Three Strange Men

Favorite quote at five.
Hopefully not at fifteen.

Beach Babes

26 mile solo bike ride.  Up County View, along the Miwok Trail, across Coyote Ridge, sat on the point for a while between Muir Beach and Pirates Cove before heading down slope to Muir Beach.  Foggy, cold, June ride; soaking wet and shivering from the fog, sweaty and panting from the elevation climb.  Then rode up Shoreline past the Buddhist camp and the turnoff to Muir Woods, sped down the eastern side of Mt. Tam into the valley to catch the Mill Valley-Sausalito trail to the end of the piers past downtown Sausalito.  Then all the way back to Tennessee Valley.

But the highlight:  An all-girl surveying squad traipsing Muir Beach with maps, compasses, and tape measures, preparing the beach for the upcoming restoration project.  I sat there on the beach with my bike and just watched for a while.  So hot.

Responsibility

In a Kingman, Az hotel room

"There's no toilet paper."
"What?"
"There's no toilet paper in here."
"Oh, yeah.  Um, C very methodically tore off each square and put it in the toilet."
"The entire roll?"
"Yesss."
"When?"
"You know that ten minutes you went off searching for coffee and you asked me to keep an eye on him?"

DoWiSeTrePla

Mental note: Do not return to the cute little shopping center near the Purina horse-grinder plant in Flagstaff.

Cougarman!

Sounds like a superhero, looks like an old asian dude on a trikey-scooter swooshing through Tiburon.

Selective Perceptions

Her: "I try to pretend that urinals don't exist."

Knitting Your Way to a Finer Ass

Sitting outside JoAnn in Corte Madera is like sitting outside a fitness club.

Hot, healthy female bodies in spandex coming and going.  Just have to ignore the 50 and 60 year old faces atop most of those bodies.

Carmel-by-the-Sea

My random old man voice: "Let us go make out on the beach at sunset!"
Her: "I love that you chose his voice for that."
"Whose voice?"
"Sean Connery."

PCH: Pacific Coast Headaches

From the backseat, all the way down the costal road to Big Sur:

C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Mom!
O: What?
C: Roar!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Me, to H: It's like a knock knock joke that I just don't get.

New Mexican in a Strange Land

Are we in Santa Cruces yet?

Roadtripping as a Dude

You never really need to pee.  You just figure, well, she's gone six times, and I haven't really touched my penis in a while, so why not?

Sex and Candy

The Girl is borrowing our bathroom because she has to poop and the boys are in hers:

"Daddy!"
"Yes?  What?"
Conspiratorially: "I think Mommy has been sneaking candy!"
She points out the plethora of colorful wadded-up condoms in the bathroom trash.
"Those aren't...yeah."

Little Girl Humor

"Why did the squirrel look down his pants?"

Why?

"He was looking for his nuts!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Bustier Night

Holiday drinking with the dudes at the bar:

"Man, I haven't been to this bar since, like, last year, with you guys."
"That's because you're not a biker, man.  Only bikers come here."
"I could be."
"I was here yesterday."
"Yesterday?"
"Are you a biker?"
"Why?"
"It was bikini night."
All: "AWESOME!"
Drink.

"Did any of you guys go see The Hobbit?"
"Not yet.  It's gonna rock."
"Well, not like Lord of the Rings."
"Totally."
"They split it into three movies.  This one only covers, like, the first seven chapters."
"Isn't that about how long it took the dwarves to fucking show up and eat?"
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"Oh, man, when my wife took me to Twilight -"
"That's bullshit."
"- and the preview for The Hobbit came on, I was all like 'I'm taking you to that shit!'"
"Are you gonna?"
"Right, cause she'd totally go."
"That's bullshit."
"Totally, but that fight scene, right?"
"That was cool."
"Right, but man, I was sitting on the toilet and the book was right there and I was gonna be a while, so I flip to the end to check out that fight."
"It's not even in there, man!"
"It's all like talking and hugging and shit."
"I know!"
"That's bullshit!"
"I know!"
Drink.

"I'm gonna be forty tomorrow, guys."
"Happy Birthday, man."
"Congrats."
"Getting old?"
"I've had to start using that stinky ointment shit on all the sore places."
"That's my cologne these days, man."
"You ever get that shit on your nuts?"
"What?"
"Why, were your nuts sore?"
"Dude, why would you put it on your nuts?"
"It was an accident, I was rubing it in -"
"On your nuts."
"- on my leg!"
"Right."
"You ever been peeling pepper seeds and then get that shit on your nuts?  That's worse."
"That's bullshit."
"Why is it that you have enough first-hand experience to compare the two?"
"It was an accident."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

"So, yeah, so I'm apparently old enough to go to the store by myself to buy tampons."
"They card you?"
"Dude, I have this great blog post about going to fucking WallMart three times one night for that shit."
"What the hell?"
"You record that shit online?"
"You assholes are gonna get the shit blogged out of you."
"It's all confusing, with all the color-coding and shit."
"That's bullshit."
"Here's some toilet paper.  Roll your own."
"What the fuck, I'm just gonna get her some Depends next time."
"'Get me wings, asshole!'"
"Yeah, and that."
"Tampons don't have wings."
"That's bullshit."
Drink.

iPad Skillz

The seventeen month old just tried to 'swipe' away my televised election coverage.

Word of the Day

"How come we can't find the hair gel, Daddy?  That is totally lame, Daddy.  Doesn't Target sell it?  Don't you think that is lame?  Maybe it's in another aisle.  No?  How lame.  How long have we been looking, Daddy?  That is so lame.  Maybe we should ask someone who works in this lame store?  Daddy, why are we leaving?  Did we find it?  Lame!"

Exeunt father and daughter.